Monday, 22 February 2010

Not all the Rats have left the sinking ship. And one is setting a cat amongst the pigeon droppings.

By jove Missus, where's the Pie Eyed Piper when you need him?  Well he can't get pie eyed on his rounds these days, because half the pubs have shut down since the "Nanny State" imposed the drinking ban in pubs. That's why we now have to stand outside having a fag instead.

But we could do with him at the moment, to sort out the rat problem in Liverpool. No not Wally Bradlow and his crew, they'll soon be deserting the sinking ship anyway. I am talking about the Rat that is due to be exterminated, the one on the side of the Whitehouse Pub.

The Grafitti Artist known as Banksy was allegedly  commissioned to do this in 2004. Well that's what they say, but my good friend Mr Wayne Colquittstreet (check before publishing, I can never remember how to spell his second name) on his always interesting blog, Liverpool Preservatives Trust has a very differing opinion.

Anyway, my view is that I couldn't care less if it's an authentic Bankslip or not. The real issue is that all these people keep calling the painting a Rat when in fact it is a CAT as any fool can see. I asked Wally Bradlow the leader of the council what it was up there, and quick as a flash, he shinned up the drainpipe trying to rescue it. I rest my case.

This may be a trivial issue, rat or cat, but there are far more qualified people than me out there who can  take up the other issues about the detruction and dereliction of our historic landmarks, where anything goes so long as it delivers one of four things. Skyscraper, Carbuncle, Luxury Apartment or yet another hotel.

No vision, no strategy no sustainability. That's why the council is about to ban the use of those three words. It's another cover up. 

I shall leave that to the others to debate. I am not one to offer an opinion or shove my nose in where it's not wanted. I am a man of few words. Most of them already banned by the council.

So with the help of my good friend and local poet Reggie McCough,
who must have helped Banksy get up there to paint it as he said he used to be with the scaffold, I have instead concentrated on the argument as to whether the SouthBanksy painting is a Rat or a Cat.

By me, Professor Waffle Chickenbatter....what's happened to my spillcheck?


By Reggie McCough  (and me)

The Whitehouse pub in Liverpool has recently been sold
Complete with work by Banksy, of a Rat we have been told
There may be rats inside but on the outside wall of fame
It looks like a Felis Cattus, to give the Latin name.

Don’t say to me look at the tail to try and make your case
that it’s Roland Rat when clearly it is Bagpuss round the face
Even if it’s meant to be, don’t take me for a fool
You’ve done a cat and that is that, go back to drawing school.

The name should match the subject even if it’s just a blob
You wouldn’t call Epstein's Kiss “Gorillas On The Job”.
Or Mona Lisa “Gurning With a Cheeky Randy Grin”
as Da Vinci said, give me the look like you’ve got the love eggs in.

The “Laughing Vauxhall Vectra” can’t replace a Cavalier
Whistler’s “Dad In Drag” has not the warmth of Mother Dear.
Or, “Woman With Her Kit Off Standing In A Giant Scallop?”
Botticelli’s Birth of Venus makes her much less of a trollop.

Michaelangelo’s Last Supper, well you really wouldn’t hurry
to see it if the name was “Lads, Let’s All Go For A Curry.”
Van gogh’s famous Sunflowers? They'd surely raise some laughs
If they had gone to auction, labelled as a bunch of daffs.

And what of old Picasso,would his talent have been missed
If his paintings were of Katy, The Oxo Cube cubist?
So is this a case of The Emperors Clothes with people scared to say
They t’ought they taw a puddytat when it saw the light of day?


Now it seems it’s called a Rat, that’s what it’s meant to be
Well call it what you want mate, I know what I can see.
It’s a cat and not a rat that adorns the old Whitehouse.
Look at it, admit it, what are you, a man or a mouse?

First published on Liverpool Confidential.

A very Tatty Buy everybody Catty bye!

Hello is that Liverpool City Council, got any historic buildings you want knocking down? Yaaaaay!