ELECTED MAYOR FOR LIVERPOOL CAMPAIGN.The campaign becomes a three horse race and one rooster as Herbert The hairdresser offers an alternative to the cuts as a fringe candidate.

Herbert enters race for Elected Mayor

By Jove Missus, what a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for running into the hairdressers naked, sitting upside down in the chair and saying how’s that for split ends?

Blimey! He’s back, you all cry as one. What’s got him out of rehab?


I haven’t been away Missus, I’ve been on Facebewk. Yes Facebewk, the great social nitworking site where you get to make friends from all around the world and then delete them. I have more friends on Facebewk than I could shake a stick at, and having seen some of the stuff they write about, I’m keeping hold of that bloody stick in case I ever meet any of them.

Now what you may also not know is that there is a campaign on Facebewk to have me as the first elected mayor for Liverpool.

I blogged about it many times in the past. You see Missus, a few years ago that bloke who used to do the weather for Northwest Tonight, Foghorn Leggarty, I say Leggarty, was always going round with a big roll of bus tickets trying to get people to write their names on them. He said if he could get 5000 signatures we could have a vote on an elected mayor. He was up to 4,500 he claimed and was turning up everywhere trying to get people to sign it, well only if it wasn't raining. Trouble is, one day when he was out canvassing for signatures at the Arriva bus depot, he put it down for a minute and one of the drivers walked off with it. So for the last five years, he’s been walking the streets of Liverpool muttering to himself and picking up all the discarded bus tickets looking for signed ones. It’s a terrible sad sight.

Foghorn Leggarty offered nugget of hope at last

But at the time, Foghorn was the only one arguing for an elected mayor so I tried to form an alliance with him and let him lead my campaign to be mayor, following fears and rumours that Professor Full Ripewind may stand.


You remember Professor Ripewind, scruffy bloke, big bushy scousebrow, looks like he's got two dead spaniels strapped to his head, and has a smile like a loose doner kebab.

If you remember, once Blair didn't give him his expected knighthood, he  suddenly became big mates with Cameron and Pickles instead. He was hoping to be the Czar for a Big Society Scouse Wedding, so they could get rid of all the museum and library staff and have them run instead by unemployed but experienced volunteers, which would mainly be the staff that have been made redundant in the first place. It’s what they call a “win-win” Anyway, they didn't make him the Czar and when everyone laughed, and the council opted out of anything to do with the Big Society nonesense, he got a right weed on saying he would be much better at doing things than the council, just like the way he saved Capital of Custard, when he took over 10 minutes before it started and claimed all the credit. The Custard Supremo, as the idiots at the Echo dubbed him and unfortunately, he and some people believe it and actually listen to him. The Echo loves him, they even let him write a column in the Post. Although nobody knows what the bleedin' hell he's talking about. Especially him.


Well we couldn’t risk him becoming Mayor, the man whose main contribution to our city of culture was the creation of the “Calm Down, Calm Down” image of Liverpool; all perms and tracksuits.

Because of him, visitors used to be frightened to eat in our restaurants in case there was a body in the pate. They were scared to come here in case Tommy McCardle hung them upside down in the back of Sayers. Even New Brighton was ruined by him when people stopped going for a swim in case they got entangled in Theresa’s cardigan.

That’s why I first decided to stand. He had to be stopped.  The Emmerdale Terrorist, as he’s known in Yorkshire, the Beckindale Butcher!  He had Archie Brooks burned to death. We can't let a man like that run our great city. But it all seemed to fizzle out and for a long time, it all went quiet.

Professor Full Ripewind. "I wouldn't let a hairdresser anywhere near me"

Just as well really, seeing as Foghorn Leggarty, I say Leggarty, ignored my offer and carried on trying to find his list. Then he started a new one and was regularly seen tormenting shoppers in Home Bargain trying to get them to sign it, although one day he wasted 5 hours trying to get a signature from the cardboard cut-out policeman by the entrance.

Since then he’s done the odd publicity stunt, like the time he climbed to the top of St John’s Beacon and unfurled a banner reading “An Elected Mayor for Liver” he couldn’t fit the rest on, well it was more of an old pillowcase than a banner. You couldn’t see it, or him. But it was lucky he had some wine gums on him as while he was up there, somebody closed the trap door and he was stuck up their for three days. He could have perished if it hadn’t been for Pete Pricerite on City F.OFF.  Peter was planning to abseil down it for charity and just popped up there to have a look for himself, just to see how high it was, after everybody was telling him that he didn’t need ropes on the actual day, they were only for practicing on the backyard wall.

So it was our local hero, Pete Pricerite, who found and rescued Foghorn, I say Foghorn. Leggarty that is.  Pete often mentions it on his phone abuse radio show.

“I saaaaaved his friggin’ life and he hasn't once asked me to stand as Mayor! Me, the obvious choice, the voice of Liverpool. Do you know wha' I wish I’d pushed him off.  Right let’s see what vile friggin’ no mark is on line one. Gerra friggin’ job ya lazy so and so, who’s paying the bill for you to phone me? Wha? Oh sorry, we are joined by the Bishop of Liverpool, the Reverend Tom Jones …that’s not unusual.Aaahhaahhahhhahahhahahahahahaha, I’ve still got it.........just ask Paul O'Grady, he'll tell ya. ”

So for ages after that, nothing was happening about an elected mayor until a couple of weeks ago when suddenly the Labour leader of Liverpool Council, Gerry Anderson, thunders "Mayors Are Go!"

No sooner had the announcement been made than I was inundated by a knock at the front door. It was from my former campaign manager from Facebewk, Mrs Slovenia, to tell me that the cream cheese dip for my victory banquet had gone off. Well we did buy it in 2009. She said you’d better let me know soft lad, are you still standing or what? She needed to know if she should get more cheese and possibly some onion dip.  I said how much is the pay? If it’s over 300k and I get to stand on the balcony at the town hall with Ringo, I’ll do it.

Well you can imagine the excitement across the city and of course once news spread, Foghorn Leggarty, I say Leggarty, sticks his beak in and decides he’s going to stand, just to spite me. But then he has the cheek to moan about Joe Andyman bypassing a referendum and going straight for a vote. This is what you wanted isn’t it? Don’t tell me after all these years, sleeping behind the back of the burned out church, on binbags full of bus tickets that if there had been a referendum, and they all voted no, that you would have said, oh alright then and gone home? There’s no pleasing some people.


Anyway, I can discount Leggarty, I say Leggarty, he’s no threat now. Nobody knows him not since he stopped doing the weather. It’s Diane Oxberry, they’d vote for now. He’ll be busy for the next few months trying to think up a policy.

That’s the problem for people like Foghorn, I say Foghorn. He never thought it would actually get this far.

I suppose it's a bit like those blokes who used to stand at the Pier Head for years carrying a placard saying;


“The end of the world is nigh, prepare to meet thy maker, be ready for the day of judgement!”

One clap of thunder and they run off screaming!

Elected Murder For Liverpool unless we do something says Anderson

Well I have to admit Mr Ambleside’s decision not to have a referendum is controversial. People are saying it’s undemocratic. The biggest critic is perhaps the deputy leader of the Literally Doomed Party Councillor Dodgy Tash. Of course he’s a fine one to go on about undemocratic decisions.

Dodgy Tash's party leader is the un-elected deputy prime minister. The professional liar, the man with the pledge, who is jointly responsible for slashing the council budget to the point whereby the very poorest in our city are paying for the greed of the thieving bankers.

So I expect any offer from the government of grants for £130 million if you opt to have an elected mayor right now, is enough to make anyone in Joe Amplesize's position risk the backlash, especially when your daily task since being elected is what are we going to have to shut down next, to save this? How many more do we need to make redundant to keep this going? Oh yes I know they could make a stand and set an illegal budget. A great noble gesture, but the likely outcome would be  that the government would sit back and watch the city go bankrupt rubbing their hands with glee.

So I don’t think we need any lectures on democracy and fairness from the Lit-Dooms or Cllr Tash. who is probably already writing his own Mayoral campaign leaflets.

"Grotty Cash Needs Dodgy Tash"

Corky Kemp Deputy Leader of the Liverpool Cuts Party

The fact is that we are ruled from Westminster by lying blackmailers and thieves, who are themselves owned and only allowed to play politics by permission of the major banks, financial institutions and media moguls. But I suspect the rationale is that if we can get a breathing space locally with a big wedge of cash, then I can partly see why Mr Anklesock has taken this path.

I can’t agree with the decision 100% but I can certainly understand it. I just hope he can and has read all the small print. 


Of course I can't vote for him, not when I am standing myself. Oh no Missus, I'm committed, there's no going back - I’ve already bought the hat! It’s got big Ostrich feathers on it. They’ll tickle your fancy.

But as I'm mainly in it for the money, it could be the dream ticket really. Joe Ambersol takes the flak for doing it without a referendum and in the backlash I storm to victory and take control of the city.


Once I get my hands on the £130 million and get a few odd jobs done around the house, buy the missus a new housecoat and a Justin Biever bed jacket for Mrs Hewitt, I'll just pop £5 million into my Coutts account and Joe can have the rest. I'll always put Liverpool second. And that's a promise. Although I may not spend much time here with £5million in the bank. I might move to Frodsham, buy the house next door to Professor Ripewind.  I’ll still do the odd fete, cut the ribbons and judge the biggest turnip competition, although i hear the local turnip is now standing as an independent after selecting himself down at the allotments.

"The Lib Cleggs have betrayed Liverpool
that's why I am standing in the allotment
and proud to have selected myself as an Independent Turnip."
Says former leader,Washed-up Badly

Of course I will contribute to the mayoral manifesto. There are certain changes I want to see. Like I want to see the waterfront from the Albert Dock again, so those black coffin monstrosities will be demolished.

And if Peel want to build shanghai towers and Liverpool waters, they can do it first on the Boot Estate or in Norris Green and Anfield. Let’s regenerate them first. Give them some luxury apartments and jobs. Not that they'll ever build anything, they are just making it up on the back of a fag packet. I've been building a shed for 30 years so I can see through them.

In fact I may take a lead on quite a few things come to think of it. I will grant a 24 hour licence to Greggs and Sayers, restore the old Irish Centre and give it to the Welsh Presbytarians who had their lovely church by Penny Lane demolished. It's a disgrace that they knocked that down! The Beatles used to have a waz up against those walls. Beatles City? Bulldozer City more like!

Speaking of which who’s that bugger from Magullible Property Demolitions, the ones who smashed up Josephine Butler House behind a tarpaulin after pretending they were preserving the external stonework with a sledge hammer?

They knocked it down leaving all the rough brick exposed. A right eyesore, just so we could have a 15 space carpark. Are they the same ones who took a sledge hammer to the ornate stone carved Victorian fronts of the old education offices in Sir Thomas Street, so they could demolish it and build a Perspex lunchbox?

I’ll have a similar preservation order slapped on his house, see how he likes it.


Yes indeed Missus, I will take the bull by the horns. My manifesto will be full of bull and I will take it all the way to victory horns along the Mersey.

Now, if you can remember that far back, I started this entry with a whimsical reference to hairdressers. No doubt, by now you will have realised that any metion of my campaign has been the victim of a conspiratorial media blackout. This was further evidenced today by the announcement that a new name has been thrown out of the arena.

Yes, the shock news yesterday that Liverpool’s very own version of Vital Bassoon, local hairdressing mogul, Herbert Hoot, has decided to throw his ring in.

I’ll be honest, ladies and gentlemen, this is the one person I always feared as a serious rival. You see I’d vote for Herbert!  I mean Mrs C and Mrs Hewitt are already wearing T-shirts saying:

If you don’t want a blert
    vote for Her-bert

Which is a rubbish slogan, I know. But you see people like Herbert. He’s a character. I like him. Well I did, until he did this to me. And I'm sorry to say he’s already started fighting dirty and using underhand tactics, like saying he will do it for no pay! Filthy trick. He knows full well I want at least £300k for the job.

Bling it on says a defiant Herbert

Well two can play at that game mate. I love this city and nobody will stand between me and all that cash. He’s already loaded, it’s alright for him.

Well I have already initiated plan A of the fightback. I have left a transit van parked in wet cement right outside his Bling salon, he won’t shift that in a hurry. And do you know what it says on the side of the van?

“Nitty Nora The Nit Nurse Emergency Rapid Response Unit”

If he wants to play dirty he won’t know what’s hit him. I mean blimey, it was probably me who put the idea in his head, from the blogs ages ago. I knew Leggarty, I say Leggarty was getting nowhere and I said then Herbert should stand and I would support him. What an idiot I was!

You see that’s before I knew how bad things were going to get and what was at stake. £300k and a percentage of the £130 million.


I feel betrayed by him. After all I have done for him over the years. If it wasn’t for me, he would never have thought of opening the brilliant Champu Bar in Town. That was all my idea. I even ran a special feature on the opening night.

http://profchucklebuttychronic.blogspot.com/2009/04/by-jove-missus-here-i-am-back-from.html
The fact that it went bust because he wouldn’t leave free crisps on the bar in case anybody stood by it and then wouldn’t let anyone pee on the Italian marble urinal, that was nothing to do with me, it was his own fault. He wouldn't take the plastic covers off the couch. I tell you what, the mild was rubbish too.

I started him off. You know it was me who gave him the idea to open his first salon. I’d just nicked a brush and comb set from Woolworths and was getting chased down Church Street by the store detective. I said here you are young man cop hold of this, so when they caught me…no evidence. It was Herbert. Then I saw him a few years later using the very same brush on a Yorkshire Terrier in a Dog Grooming shop window on great Homer Street. 

I said, no mate you won't make your fortune clipping poodles, look at Squeezy Wheezie, he's loaded. There's no money in dog grooming,  the real money is in women’s hairdressing, if you can stand listening to them yapping. Next thing you know he has a string of salons and is driving round in a pink Reliant Robin.

Herbert, what have you done?
That's not how Justin Beiber has his hair cut!
"Well he friggin' would if he came in here!"

He was very grateful to me and always said that if there was anything he could do for me, I should just ask. I remember once when I was in the salon getting a trim, he told me that I was going a bit thin on top and offered to massage my follicles for me. I thought about it for a minute and said, oh all right go on then, so long as you don't tell anyone. So I got myself ready and when he turned round he screamed and threw me out!

All a misunderstanding and we eventually made up and so I’ve always remained a supporter of Herbert’s businesses. In fact do you know Missus, he asked me to be his first volunteer when he branched out into full body waxing. Back, sack and clack.

In fact that’s where I learned how to yodel!

And it was me who said he should modernise, don’t just offer the customers tea or coffee, I said.  These days they expect Cupsofchino, Latte, Mocha. Offer them different blends, Columbian, Italian, Costa Brava, Myrthr Tydfil. Although that nearly went wrong and I can tell you this now, but if it wasn’t for my intervention he would have been shut down and lost his waxing licence. Mrs Hewitt was going to sue him for every Kirby grip he had.  You see she only went in to have her ankles waxed but while she was waiting for her Colombian Latte with choco sprinkle, she told the girl she’d changed her mind and wanted a Brazilian instead.

Well I heard the screams from Renshaw Street. When I got there, there were six of them trying to hold her down while they pulled the strip off. She’d let it go a bit down there they said, and now they couldn’t shift it.

In the end they attached the edge of the wax strip to a tow rope and the other end to the bumper of Herbert’s new Rolls Royce. Well it didn't work. He revved up the engine too much and they just dragged her off the table, out through the door and halfway up South John Street. I told him to keep it in 1st gear.

Eventually, the only way we could get it off her was to use a Black and Decker Steam Stripper from Rapid, which he still hasn’t paid me for.  It was very lucky for him that our local GP Dr Strukov, was doing his mobile botox and had his van in the Aldi carpark when we were going home with her, so we pulled in and Strukov gave us a few knock out drops to slip in her cocoa. Put her to sleep for a week and when she came round, I managed to convince her it was all a dream. They cost me forty quid as well, although he did throw in a DVD of Debbie Does Casualty.

So all in all,  I don’t know how Herbert has the nerve to stand against me, not after everything I have done for him.  But I think he could just win it so I'd best keep him sweet and hope he gives me a cut. 

But as if  Herbert trying to ruin my chances is not bad enough, there are other turncoats out there. Those who are refusing to mention my campaign. People in the local media who have been writing about the mayor issue and not made a single mention of my name going forward.


It proves once again that it’s the newspapers that elect governments not the people. Look at Bartlett’s blog in the Daily Weekly Gone by Christmas Post. Over the years, my contributions to his Blog site Dole Street Blues, now re-branded Dull Associates, are the main reason people have stayed loyal. He owes me! I have kept that lot going while Trickery Mirror have been chucking them all out on their arses and shifting it all to Oldham.

Not one mention in the last three articles apart from me writing in comments. I have even declared on his pages that I am standing and he’s made no mention of it. It’s a conspiracy. It’s the Illuminous Paperhatzi or the Bobthebuilderberg Group. They are all over the internet. The say it’s them who control the voting on X factor. I bet that Simon Trowel is Freemason. That’s how deep it runs.

But I think the biggest disappointment for me is that my old friend and respected local journalist and broadcaster, Harry Nield, the man I lead to safety and on stage with the stripper in the Gladray club during the Toxteth riots, has also deserted me.

No mention of my campaign in his articles about the Elected mayor. How quickly they forget.  You know, I don’t like to mention this but when Harry was going through his lean years, and walking through  town with a sieve on his head and holding up an electric whisk looking for mobile phone mast radiation (alright it was me who sold them to him) I stayed loyal and pointed him towards more popular stories.  

Then he started writing about dogs fouling the city pavements, and I sent him numerous scoops. I expected a little more support from him.

Well Harry there’s still time if you want to back the winner and possibly a job for you on my team. I will always need a good press officer.  And somebody has to iron me shirts.

That reminds me, where is me shirt? I can’t stand for mayor without me shirt!

Where’s me shirt!!!???

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Liverpool, maligned by Tory Blogger Iain Dale, has the world press banging at my door for a reaction.

Top Class Hotels. A shower in every room

Liverpool is the land of my forfathers, well me mother said it was dark in the air raid shelter, so it could have been any one of them. But that means when you attack the city of Liverpool...well I'm not going to stand for it sitting down.

During Labour Conference week, that Iain Dale, who compiles the Complete B*llocks list of the top Political B*llocks in the UK has been up here writing a conference diary.

Well that's what he's supposed to be doing, instead he decided to have a crack at Liverpool.

He does nothing but moan about the city and our most famous hotel. Naturally, the world's media wanted an instant reaction from me. But I agreed only to talk to that bastion of truth, free speech and rissoles with jus, Liverpool Confidential.

You can read the full article here.

http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/Not-Confidential/Just-sling-yer-ook-will-yer

I tell you this Mr Dale, you ask anyne from Liverpool about the city, and they'll tell you it's Shangri - La!

The Gazza Strip

 

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!




Wally Bradlow: Shock resignation and then suspension of city's beloved son. Clegg cuts lifeline before he strangles himself with it as charges of alleged electoral fraud make headlines. Everyone is to blame. Local Poet Laureate Reggie McCough, writes an odourous ode to mark the sad events.

It's a sad end for Wally Bradlow the former leader of Grotty Cash Council and leader of the Liverpool Lib Dem group.

After resigning in a blaze of glory, of the type to which we have become sadly accustomed, he is then suspended by the party pending investigations into alleged electoral fraud.

Local Poet Laureate Reggie McCough, has marked this sad day with a special ode.

Bye Bye Mr Bradley (Thanks for all the fish)

By Reggie McCough

And so farewell to Warren Bradley

Of common sense, the poor lad had nay,

Stumbling like a donkey, lame

with everyone but him to blame

There were no ears to hear you beg

from the day you passed the blame to Clegg

For you started your doomed expedition

before he joined the coalition

You wanted folk to vote Lib Dem

On a slogan that you’re not like them

A desperate plea in your final hour

While your party keeps the Tories in power

The local government Jewel in the Crown

Was left for scrap when you went down

Now you see the harsh reality

Of Liberal Democrat loyalty

Where the price to pay, as we will see

To secure Clegg’s place in history

Is your beloved party locally

Flushed down the electoral lavatory

Will some people still be fooled

And vote for the likes of Kemp and Gould?

Or your former mentor, now Lord Storey

For underneath they all are Tory

For them it’s all now very neat

For they never would have won a seat

Unless they joined the Lib Dem band

Now with fellow Tories they are hand in hand

The Lib Dem colours shining through

Revealing the dark sides shades of blue

But you piped up to save your skin

And now you’ve done your own self in

For your party planned assassination

before your tawdry resignation

As we listen to your familiar cry

“the charges made, I will deny”

You have now fallen on your sword

Faced with alleged election fraud

And without grace you still cast blame

While we wait to see who signed their name

You were often labelled more daft than bad

Storey’s protégé, his lad gone mad

But now he doesn’t want to know

And you now reap what you did sew

This is a fire you can’t put out

The hose is dry, and you have no clout

You’ve seen that your party now is rotten

And your work in the city will be forgotten

You claim you're being made scapegoat

For Clegg who will cost you every vote

So no honours list for you dear friend

For you began the losing trend

But for all the ridicule that you brought

Perhaps a lesson you’ll be taught

You claimed it was your mistaken passion

When people complained of your bullying fashion

As the decent folk that you drove away

Could have been the friends you need today

But in spite of all this sleaze and strife

Remember that there’s more to life

So go and break the fire bell

Let Clegg and his friends all burn in hell

They all sold out and they told us lies

Farewell Mr Bradley, now dry your eyes.

One more squirt

Well, I am sorry it has ended like this. I think a lot of the time he thought he meant well and maybe sometimes he did. Time to reflect.

It wasn't all his fault by a long chalk and those who probably steered him and then plotted against him are still sitting pretty with their friends in the Tories, cutting your services and trying to destroy your communities.  In the end, he tried...whether it was to save his own neck locally or not, we can never know for certain.  But we can be certain that his party has hung him out to dry. That shows who they count as friends. Cameron and The Conservatives over their own members and supporters.

A Very Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye

be nice to eachother.....and don't vote Lib Dem
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The full story in the local press

http://www.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/liverpool-news/regional-news/2011/04/19/warren-bradley-suspended-by-liberal-democrats-as-police-are-poised-to-launch-election-fraud-claim-investigation-92534-28542372/



EXCLUSIVE: LEAKED FIRST DRAFT OF THAT WALLY BRADLOW LETTER. Bradley gives Nick Clogg a piece of his tiny mind and proposes party name change to Liberal Doomed-Rats

One Big Leak

By Jove Missus what a beautiful day, what a beautiful day for standing in a puddle at the greengrocers and saying how's that for an embarrasing leek? 

Yes, missus the big leak story. All here in my personal chronic calls. But, not the doctored one they put out in the press, by Jove no! I have the original transcript of Wally Bradlows suicide note to Deputy Primeminister Nick Nocky Nick Clegg.

As usual, his mam had to tidy it up for him, otherwise it comes across as a lunatic rant from a desperate man. It still does, but the original draft was much tougher, and for that I say hats off to Wally Bradlow.

And so ladies and gentlemen in the interests of hysterical accuracy, I reprint the leak before the leak..or as Ned Sharon used to say to Jack Frost and the Three Ronnies:

THAT WAS THE LEAK THAT WAS.

Now first  my dear readers....both of you, pay attention. This is the transcript that they hoodwinked the BBC with and that was reprinted in Young Dave Barchesters Chronicles: Dole Street Blues.  The actual link is here: http://blogs.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/dalestreetblues/2011/04/in-full-warren-bradleys-email.html

This is it, what they want you to read. Even then, they get his name wrong! Then below that, is what I believe to be the original draft.

From: Bridley, Warren



Subject: LABOUR'S SURGE IN THE NORTH


IN CONFIDENCE - PRIVATE


Dear Nick and the Parliamentarians,


I have to date kept my frustrations and criticisms based on policy rather than just having a go because I don't want to be in bed with the Tories; unfortunately the boil is about to come to a head and burst (probably on election night) when we lose some very well respected and experienced colleagues from Liverpool City Council. The Labour and Trade Union movement are saturating the streets of Liverpool, even in our heartlands.


Liberalism started in Liverpool (Church Ward) during the late 60's with Sir Trevor Jones and Cyril Carr being the driving force; a ward we have held for many years through thick and thin, sadly this year, because of your actions in Coalition Government, this may not be the case. Never before in 35+ years have I seen the streets of Wavertree snooing with Labour activists, never before have I seen Labour posters in a local election. This is only down to the policies that our Parliamentarians are pursuing in Coalition Government. The position is untenable, Mike Storey having given many decades to the party is extremely vulnerable, and could well fall because of the Parliamentary party.


Many other long serving Councillors could be defeated not because of their record, but because of your record and the perception of what we as Liberal Democrats now are.


I only hope on the 6th May, you will meet with Leaders/Groups/ordinary members and seek their views following a set of results, which if mirrored by our canvass returns will place us back 40 years.


I and many of my colleagues in Liverpool and the North are tired of defending the indefensible, as a party we have to reconsider what and who we are before we disappear into the annuls of history as a political party who promised so much hope, yet failed because they wanted control and power.


This is not a moan because I want to be someone, I deeply care about the party I have campaigned for since its inception, as I did for the Liberals before when I was a little boy, as did both my parents and virtually all my family; Liverpool and the North needs and deserves an alternative to Labour, but at present, after knocking on many doors, all I feel is dejection and upset that the Lib Dems, the party the people trusted implicitly have become like the others and deserted their followers.


I hope you take this in the spirit it is meant, liberal principles have to shine through, we have to be independent and we have to sever ties from the coalition; if we fail to do this, we have only our Parliamentarians to blame.


Yours sincerely


Cllr. Worried Bradley


Leader of the Liberal Democrats


Liverpool City Council

But now ladies and gentlemen, sent to me by one of my agents in the field, and up to their knees in it, is the original draft version, before his mam re-wrote it and made him stand in the corner.

I think you will agree, that Wally should be applauded for his strong stance and courageous outspoken views.  This is the version they didn't want you to see!

From: Wally Bradlow,

Subject: LABOUR'S SURGE UP MY END

IN CONTINANCE - PRIVATES

Dear Dick and the Parlymentrians,

I have to date, what date is it by the way? I mean you only have to look at where we were 10 years ago…where were we?


I have kept my flustrations and crittisisms based on policy rather than just having a go because I don't want to be in bed with the Tories; not since I met this bird on Facebook, and just for the record, somebody else stuck that photo in her album, and that wasn’t me either and you can quote me on that unanimously, in fact never mind unanimous, you can use my real name.
Unfortunately at the moment my head looks like a boil about to burst

 

(probably on election night) when we lose some very well respected and experienced colleagues from Liverpool City Council. No names spring to mind but ….obviously not Eldridge, Twiggler, Kamp, Turnip or Fieldung.....

And deffo not my mate Hursty…he was an innocent man, and I know cos it was…er  I mean….just cos he got caught red handed found guilty and lost his appeal, doesn’t mean he is innocent until proven guilty and I stand on that basic principal of habeus caught-us and Magnum Carton.

The Labour and Trade Union movement are saturating the streets of Liverpool, even in the warzones…I mean heartlands.

Liberalism started in Liverpool (Church Ward) during the late 1860's with Sir Trevor Jones driving door to door in Cyril’s Car. I still use it when I am out campaigning.

It's a ward we have held for many years through thick and thin. Just ask Councillor Klemp about thick and thin: he says he’s thin and I’m….. though sadly this year, because of your actions in Coalition and many other towns, this may not be the case.

Never before in 350+ years have I seen the streets of Wavertree snooing…err snookering...snoodling …what’s the friggin’ word I am looking for?  Basically, there’s loads of Labour activists everywhere, and never before have I seen Labour posters in a local election that I haven’t drawn specs and a tash on before running away….not that it was me, it was Stev…..er.. we would never do that.....

Enough of this yah boo politics, that's my mantravani. That's just the kind of behaviour what has driven this city into the ground that we sold dirt cheap to a load of speculators. Remember  it was under this Liberal Democrat administration that we transfused the city skyscrape, bringing many to tears. And joy to Sir Top-up Jones. 

The people of Liverpool, remember our hard work and the way we managed the city, which is why we got kicked out last May. What do you think's gonna happen this May??? Eh?  Eh?...........er...........Eh?

This situation we now face, is one of being flushed down the pan, and this is only down to the policies that our Parlymentrians are pursuing in Coalition Government.

Thanks to you Dave, and you all jumping into bed with Nick Cameron and Thatcher's Liberals, the position is untenable, and even the most unpalatable Mike Storey, having given many decades to the party is extremely vulnerable, and could well fall because of all the Peroni he’s been drinking at my house. Except that we never met at my house and didn’t talk about getting rid of people, or sending texts that we haven’t sent. That's if we ever met in the first place…I've never even heard of him. Besides, Mike is a Duchess now, the nobbled Baron Of Chilblains. So he can get the Knights of Cammelairds on to you if you try and dredge all that up again. Anyway the standards board said I was just an idiot and ignorance of the law is nine tenths, so you can’t touch me for that one.

Lord Mike Strawhair sees dark days ahead for Liverpool Lib Dems

I only hope on the 6th May the day after the elections, (note to self take that friggin’ huge poster down from Garmoyle Road saying the election is on the 6th or everyone will go out to vote a day late…..no wait.... since they won’t be voting for us anyway, leave it up so they won’t vote for Labour either) See that’s the kind of strategums mind set you have to have at the butt and thrust of local politics!

Many other self serving Councillors could be defeated, not because of their record, but because of your record and the perception of what we as Liberal Democrats now are. Why did you have to let them find out? Nickhead!

Where was I ? Oh yes, Mick, I hope that on May 6th you will meet with Leaders/Groups/ordinary members and seek their views following a set of results, which if mirrored by our canvass returns will place us back 400 years, which is a long time in politics.

I and many of my colleagues in Liverpool and the North are tired of defending the indefensible. And now, since you joined the coalition, it’s even worse! As a party we have to reconsider what and who we are before we disappear up the annus of history as a political party. We promised so much hope, yet failed because you wanted control and power. A bit like like we did in Liverpool.

This is not a moan because I want to be someone, I gave up hope on that years ago. I deeply care about the party I have campaigned for since its deception, just as I did for the Liberals before, when I was a little boy, with a cheap toy fire engine and dropping clangers every few yards.


Both my parents, the dog Trevor, the budgie and virtually all my family cared deeply about the Liberal value.


Boy George knew my father, as the song goes, and in our case it’s true and this helped us to secure Capital of Culture Club 2008, which was perhaps the greatest feather in my brains behind the scenes.

(Note to my agent: Don't use a photo with that bastard Jasper Harbottle)

Liverpool and the North needs and deserves an alternative, but at present, after knocking on many doors, including my own, (but she won’t let me back in) and not putting any fake leaflets through the letterbox, as that was never proved, except in court, all I feel is dejection and upset that the Lib Dems, the party the people trusted implicitly have become like the others and deserted their followers. Obviously not as fast as the followers are deserting us.

I hope you take this in the spirit it is meant, you twat! Liberal principles have to shine through, and this election should polish us off for good.


We may have to join the independents and we have to sever ties from the coalition; if we fail to do this, we have only our Parliamentrians to blame. And I shall be blameless in this as I always am.


I would ask that this letter is not leaked in the usual way, unless I have already pressed send to everyone, or it may look like I am desperate to show the people of Liverpool that we are not shits like you. But either way, come May 6th, our blood will be on your hands!

Can I finish by saying that this City has a proud history going back four million years, and is mentioned by King John’s Ambulance in The Doomsday Book.

Well thanks to you, Clegg, come May 5th, we’ll get another friggin’ mention!

Yours sincerely

Cllr. Wally Bradlow

Leader of the Liberal Doomedrats

Liverpool Grotty Cash Council

Ay....lookkk it's L pool Lar!

***************************************************

Well ladies and gentlemen, there has been no official response as yet from Nick Clegg, but many people think that his expression on receiving the email, conveyed exactly what he thought of Wally Bradlows opinions. I couldn't catch his exact words on the news but I think it was something to do with a banker.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Be nice to each other



Professor Rednose gets in a spin as city withdraws from High Society. Cuts fall-out threatens his future peerage so the air and the Rednose turns blue !

Professor Phyllis Redfern

By Jove Missus, one for the lads this time, remember when we all used to be glued to the telly, seeing what he was wearing tonight and how high the split went, well re-live those days, he is back again. The gorgeous “give us a twirl” Professor Phyllis Redfern. (Nee Stein) is back in the headlines to promote his great new project: Phyllis Redfern.

Have you heard?

Many will remember him from the Remuneration Game, with the famous conveyor belt of cash flowing into the gutter or into the bank accounts of hopeless carpetbaggers. This was during his stint as Custard Supremo and Captain of Claptrap 2008, where he came to sudden prominence after doing nothing for five years and then seized the opportunity to cash in on other peoples work at the last minute.

Largely thanks to promotion and spin by the Echo, he became the face of 2008 and amazingly, people still came. He is still as lovely as ever. The beautiful flowing hair still magnificent, if now somewhat grey. The smile is equally the same, like a loose donner kebab.

That winning smile

In spite of his claim to be a Labour sympathiser, the bastards didn’t give him the knighthood he was expecting and so Phyllis, always one to seek out new opportunities, has recently been linked to a controversial ménage et twats with Prime minister David Camouflage and his coagulation deputy, Nasty Nick Clot, from the sudden reality show, “Big Liar”

Lord Fat Arse of Picklepocket

It's in the Czars
A couple of months ago he invited David to Grotty Cash to launch their exciting new project “The High Society” an exciting con-cept whereby some very rich people steal as much as they can from local councils, ordinary working people and the poor, then throw thousands on the dole and get them to sweep the streets, clean public toilets and run the services, for which we pay council tax, for nothing. You don't actually lose your job, you can come back and do it for free!

Now when the big con plan for The High Society was launched, despite a few sceptics (450,000 locally) Phyllis was riding high on his ego. Once again somebody thick enough to think that he speaks on behalf of the city was ready to elevate him to the position of High Society Czar. “ Yes I had some critics,” said Phyllis “even from one of my former stars of Brooooockhie, Jimmy Corkhill, as played by Dean Sillyman. I said you’re just jealous because you wanted to be a Czar Dean”

Three hours of laughter and repetition of this example of scouse wit followed as it was repeated to every media outlet that didn’t hang up on hearing his name.

But even Jimmy thought the cuts were too savage. He had been around during the cruel crazy cuts during the 1980s. Why should his beloved Brookie go through this again...why Billy, why?

Great promises followed from Phyllis. “The new museum could be run by crack heads rather than crackpots, like David Flamingo, and staffed by the elderly residents of the first care home to fall victim to the cuts. There is no need for any paid staff, the Homeless can run the libraries, half the bastards sit in there to get warm all day, so why not put them in charge? Gets them off the streets. And do we really need so many leisure centres in this day and age? Most people I know have their own indoor heated pool, sauna and gym”

French Champaigne, good for the brain

Sounded great to Dave and Nick The Liar, and some people on the council were ready to buy into it too. But then it all seemed to go horribly wrong as suddenly Grotty Cash was presented with the worst cuts since Herbert spilled Botox in the coffee maker.

Suddenly it seemed impossible, unworkable. The scale of cuts meant that at least 1,500 council jobs must go and vital front-line services would be decimated.

Local Grants Slashed

There was no choice. How could the High Society be taken seriously when it was about to put 1,500 potentially in need of many of the services they worked in? It was not just those individuals, but also the cascade effect on the vulnerable that rely on the services, the communities and the whole infrastructure of the city. This was going to be worse than the 1980’s

Tough choices for Liverpool Council Leader

WONDERLAND

So why not set an illegal budget some said, like we did in the 80s  and have the city run directly by government commissioners? Give them the stereotype they are looking for. 

Well they didn’t need to, because the moment the leader of the Grotty Cash council said the High Society is a con in the face of such brutal cuts that would destroy much of the voluntary work already going on  and therefore the city is withdrawing from the project, that was the first line of attack from Jabba The Pickle, who is minister for local government and the communities.

"Mr Hatton has cut services for political motives." he said.
"He’ll be hiring Taxis next!"

The Days of Degsy This time next year we'll still  be millions less

The fat must be trimmed, says Pickles, start with your neck mate!

Phyllis joined in the chorus for a bit, saying to Dave, "you let me down lads, it stalled and the cuts are undermining it." Unfortunately for Professor Redfern, it was the leader of the council that got invited onto the news programmes and featured in the national press about his decision to withdraw from the programme. "We never bleedin’ joined it in the first place!" said the clearly angry council leader. "It was that self promoting soft shite who invited them here!"  

Collide with Czars
The scale of the cuts imposed upon the city even prompted Phyllis Redfern to make a further desperate statement: “It has become derailed, he said, the cuts are undermining the High Society and risking my role as Czar! This is not the way it was outlined to me, there’s been no action and I haven’t been on telly for a month, what are you Tory bastards playing at?”

Phyllis, could see his position as Czar and his future Peerage, or a shot at Mayor slipping from his fingers and the council wasn't helping. 

“Who does he think he is?" Blasted the Professor of 2nd rate soap. "What gives him the right to speak for the city? Just ‘cos he won an election, how does that make him more important than me?”

 

Sad Face

There was only one thing for it, tt was time to make a stand under his new slogan “We The People” (Of Frodsham presumably)

So with one of those amazing twirls, he perfected, Phyllis sets about rubbishing the Labour council to the Tory Press and the delight of Pickles and David Camouflage, by joining in the attacks on the city leaders and the Tories trying to hark back to the days of Militant.

He said “We are better off without the council, now I can lead my people to the promised land, stopping off at Poundland to get their shopping, well they won’t be able to afford to go to Liverpool One!..."

"..It’s just like in 2008 when the council made a mess of it and the commissioner raised the Twat Signal and I had to come and rescue the whole Capital Of Custard programme.”

Leaders during the Custard year. It was Yellow and Thick

“If it wasn’t for me getting Ringo on the roof at three times the original cost, and being too late to cancel the giant spider, as I wanted, it could have been a disaster. Well now we the people will take control and the council can do one!"

"Wait 'til I’m Mayor, as Jeffrey Archer once said. "

Well did you ever?

In a statement to the Exchange and Mart, Professor Rednose said today:  “All these councils can think about is having no money to deliver vital services and having to close down everything that is part of the very backbone of a civilised community, either that or they are whinging about making thousands of staff redundant, and wrecking their lives. They are too focussed on that to see the bigger picture of what the High Society can still offer me, and they are only looking at the negatives."

Redundant Coppers queue for free handout
at Big Society Soup Kitchen

"Each one of those sacked council workers will now have the time to polish my desk or get the coffee and a nice cake for my missus when we are chairing the National Museums meeting. (We are still trying to figure out how we wasted £75 million on that X crap at the Pier head. It was supposed to be part financed by building the black coffins!)  

"So instead of these people working for the council, listening to a load of moaning gets going on about the bin collection, they can empty my bin as a volunteer. They know I am one of them because: We the people, is what made the city."

"I gave them Brookie and Holly Oakes, that’s all they ever wanted and that’s why they will listen to any old shite I come out with. There’ always some knob-head who’ll listen to me, to get their gobs in the paper isn’t that right Flemmo?”

Brookside closed due to cuts

WHAT A SWELEGENT ELEGANT PARTY - THIS IS
So there we have it ladies and gentlemen, no Tory MPs in the city but then they don’t need them now. They have Professor Turncoat to deliver the cruellest lie ever to be devised by a cynical, calculating wretched group of multi-millionaire arse lickers to the banks and financiers.

As they continue to claim allowances for their second and third homes, jet around the world, watch the money fall into their accounts from their other multi million pound business interests or the massive inheritance they are due, they will watch you lose your job, your home and your local services to guarantee continued huge profits and obscene bonuses for the very people who caused the deficit.

And you can volunteer to sweep the streets for them when they visit. Professor Redmond is in charge of the brushes. He should use one on his bleeding hair. Keep at it Rednose maybe the Tories will give you your Peerage.

Thank goodness we have people like the Professor, so important,  that without anybody asking and no mandate from anyone, he feels duty bound and is prepared to step in, and lead us.

We the people, salute you.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other

P.S. Of course there is one thing the council could do to lessen the impact of the cuts, sort out the rip-off that is costing us £78 million a year and that has been shown to have been overcharging by £10 million a year. How many years at £10 Million? Why do we need Liverpool Direct if it’s only to tell people the service no longer exists. Well I couldn’t leave it without mentioning that could I, nobody else on the council seems to want to mention it.