Battle rages across the city as dark forces gather causing chaos at Hogwash Town Hall

Jake A Rowing's Harry Plotter, with his magical wand from the Waver Tree

By Jove Missus! Great news for Liverpool, and for Harry Plotter fans.
We all thought that "The Deathly Twitters" was the last in the series but it has just been announced that author Jake A Rowing, is to give us one more chapter with a fight to the death between Harry and Voldemore's niece, Scriptiana. 

The new story, which is still being written, will be filmed in Liverpool,  and sees our young hero Harry, facing the combined menace of the Slithertree clique who have convinced Scriptiana MP (Mystical Princess) that Harry Plotter must be destroyed.

 

Scriptiana:  "You must be punished Harry, you did not learn the enchantment!"

 

Armed with a new hypnotic weapon and a secret enchantment with which to control the minds of members as they fly on their broomsticks door to door, they tell the people that Plotter must be eliminated now and offer a new champion to take his place, one who will be possessed with the power of the enchanted script.

Look into my eyes, you don't care if we have no policies but to carry on the Tory cuts..
you will vote for us!

 

Harry has failed to be inducted into the ways of the secret enchantment and Scriptiana sends a message of complaint to the head of Hogwash, Professor Dumblemayor, with copies to the rest of the lack of faculties. She accuses Harry of not turning up for their weekly Cruddage, and refusing to be a team player. Worse still, she is furious that Harry has not swallowed the magic potion that will make him repeat the enchanted script every time he speaks.

Hogwash

When Harry is faced with the accusations, he appeals to the Great Wiz Ed and sends the message via his faithful owl Twitter, where it is seen by his enemies in Slithertree.

 

Wiz Ed: I'd write back but I can't find my pen, snort!

 

But the Great kind Wiz Ed turns a daft ear to his letter as he is too busy promising to help the Financial Wizards by offering sacrifices and to take more money from the poor in the hope that Rupert Warlock, The Sun Wizard, will smile upon him. He hopes that Warlock will instruct his followers to say that, "One day he may be  capable of casting enough suitably meaningless spells to convince people to let him into the Coven of number 10." 



"Ed is not an idiot..Ed is not an idiot..vote for Ed"

So Wiz Ed has no time for anyone claiming to be attacked, not even those he phoned personally to congratulate or rushed to have his portrait painted with. No, Wiz Ed has his own plans of attack to draw up. Plans that he hopes keep the dark forces happy enough to grant him power and wear the great cap of benefits.

Head of Hogwash, Professor DumbleMayor, is forced to step in.

 

In the meantime, back at Hogwash, Dumblemayor, his one time great friend and protector demands to see Harry, and tells him that he is upset with him for carelessly flying his owl Twitter into nets. He tells Harry that he is clearly in need of rest and should spend a month at the great hall of Bingo until Dumbomayor decides when his number's up. 

But Harry later answers questions about his holiday plans to the great North West Lookers of the Beebee Sea, via their crystal lantern, which serves to increase Dumbstruckmayor's fury. 

Dumblemayor's dilemma: Me lad's let me down. The little.....

"How dare Harry speak out again!" he cries, "these things should be kept within the walls of Hogwash!"

"What do you think our brooms are for, other than sweeping things under the carpet?" 

Appalled that Harry has again spoken publicly, in the interests of keeping everything private, Dumblemayor, issues a public proclamation. In it he promises that the matter will be dealt with internally and fairly without any public reference to either party, adding that "Harry, as a young wizard, has gone mad with the pressure and has let me down by speaking out. He is a cause of great disappointment to me and so I have requested that he is suspended from Hogwash and he may not engage with the villagers of Slithertree.  But now you must excuse me as I am off to a photo opportunity in London with the lovely Scriptiana."

 

 

And so begins the great new chapter at Hogwash, with Harry standing alone against the power of the Scriptiana enchantment, with many of his former friends becoming Weasleys. But there is growing revolt amongst the villagers with them voicing their faith in Harry and those who are afraid to speak openly, for now, are rallying to his support.


But now secret messages have been intercepted and published in the Liverpool Deathly Echoes. They show signs of evil talk and attacks against Harry, with wicked ideas being sent to the lovely Scriptiana, promising "he will be sorted" and telling her it will not be long until victory and that she need not worry about others who try to stand in our way.


And so with these revelations, it remains to be seen if she is the real power behind the threat to Harry, or if there are darker forces that have set this up and drawn her into their own private fight with more sinister motives?  And once they have used their accomplice Scriptiana, to try and destroy Harry, will they do the same to her? 
 


Dark Forces working behind the scenes

Without doubt, the fans and supporters of both Scriptiana and Harry, will be torn between loyalties.

They must wonder if this is just her doing or are others also at work? Whilst it may be the case that she will strike down any fool who accidentally calls her Scriptiola, they will remember that not so long ago, she also fought a brave battle against forces of evil, both inside and outside of Hogwash.  Where people tried to bully her and blacken her name at that time in order to stop her becoming the Mystical Princess. They made many cruel, wicked and unjust comments about her and even hoped her parachute, as they called it, would fail to open. And whatever some initially made of her arrival in the village of Slithertree, they rallied to her support against the bullies.

Could it be that some of those same people who then tried to act against her may still be lurking in the background, that they have entered her magic circle and are helping to shape events? 

In the meantime, the exiled Harry continues his battle, and we await the truth to come out. While many offer him their support, at the same time a great wall of silence has been built, behind which crouch  many members of the so-called Weasley family.

And while those who seek to bring Harry down and accuse him with the crime of speaking publicly against Hogwash, they themselves publicly attempt character assassination in the very same media. 

But nobody seems to mind that and nobody else is suspended, just Harry. We await the arrival of the ducking stool and a fair hearing.

The hapless Villagers of Slithertree may yet decide, once they get the enchanted script delivered to their doorsteps.


For a completely unrelated but similar story, see link below
http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/News-and-Comment/The-Laz-Wordon-Jakes-Progress

 

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye

Be nice to each other.

 

What are UKIP's Chances in Liverpool? Didn't we have enough of swivel-eyed loons under the Lib Dem Council? Reggie McCough's student writes exclusively for Chronic Calls

My good friend the renowned local poet and former member of the Scuffles, Reggie McCough, has embraced the ideas of Mr Cameron's Big Society and is currently running a workshop to encourage new writers - or have his benefit stopped.

With the recent controversy over alleged comments by Lord Marty Feldman, one of Reggie's students has put pen to paper in the form of a poem and Reggie passed it on to me.

And so here is the poem by new writer, Hugh Kipp.


THE EYES ARE THE WINDOWS OF ARSEHOLES

Lurking in shadows they watch over you
and quietly foam at the things that you do
Then they tremble and snarl and start pacing their cage,
faces contorted in tight suppressed rage
Then their brains start to steam 'til they burst like balloons
And soon there's an army of Swivel-Eyed Loons

Marching on nowhere they scream and they shout
Don't let them - in keep them all out!
You can't even rest if you want to sit down
with ex Ghurkhas on benches all over town
Yes they fought bravely, that has to be said
But if they're that patriotic, why aren't they dead?

The country's gone mad, it's completely obscene
We'll not lick the stamp of a lesbian Queen
And a real man will take his own life with a gun
before they can force him to marry his son
We must all stand together - refuse to be beaten
Though we rather enjoyed it, while we were at Eton

And what of the vicar and the terrible stress
of marrying two chaps in the same wedding dress?
He's risking eternity trapped in hell's fire
that's on top of the charge that relates to the choir
Even some women have gone the same way
Good God, which one's going to throw the bouquet?

Damned Cameron and Clegg, are both worse than Blair
he just started a war, but these swine dye their hair
They said coalition is similar to marriage
but not if you both have the same undercarriage
Such unnatural behaviour raises the stakes
increasing the risk of violent earthquakes

It's been proven by science that gays are the cause
of volcanoes and landslides and some nil-nil draws
And though the EU is a vast evil state
at least our bananas they tried to keep straight
But that's not enough to be ruled by a kraut
So we're looking to UKIP to take Britain out

We are backing Farage, whom we hope to elect
and we'll stand right behind him, proud and erect
Though it will be hard, of that there's no doubt
we'll push to get in and then we'll pull out.
What they do when we leave is anyone's guess
but we won't come again, they can clean up the mess

And we'll rebuild Great Britain with Mr Farage,
and have tea on the lawn, like the days of the Raj
When we kept things discrete with some trinkets and toys
and a chap could relax with nice Indian boys
We'll have ladies in dresses and men wearing ties
if you vote for the loon with the swivelling eyes.

Hugh Kipp
Age 106

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other

Controversy over "Ceremonial" celebrations around figure still despised in Liverpool

Security mounts amidst threats of protest as Mr Cameron announces "Ceremonial" rather than "State" celebrations for Hitler's Birthday.

Security will be on high alert today, amidst threats to disrupt or stage protests during the procession and ceremony to mark Adolf Hitler’s birthday.

At an estimated cost of over DM10,000,000, for the ceremonial rather than state party, many are upset this money could be better used to buy Tanks and Doodlebugs.

...
The Gestapo has been monitoring social networking sites, Vogel Phiefen and Gesicht Buch, where there had been threats to disrupt the celebrations and a campaign had been launched to try and get the theme to Dad’s Army to  Number One in the charts. However, a rival campaign has begun to try and get Edelweiss to the number one spot.

In recent days a number of people have been arrested and shot by coalition storm troopers, including a primary school teacher, who wore a t-shirt in the class room, bearing the slogan “Hitler Butter Snatcher”



Mr Hitler’s years in power were regarded as divisive by many countries, but love him or loathe him, everyone admits that he was a commanding presence on the world stage. Nicknamed the Iron Cross Man, by Stalin, he is credited, along with Mussolini, and Hirohito with bringing an end to the peace before the second world war.

However in some parts of the country, there are reports of people engaging in impromptu celebrations and winebars running out of grand cru chardonnay. Some news reports even showed people in a street off Whitehall dancing and singing:
“Addy, Addy, Addy, Heil Heil Heil” 

 

Not always popular, perhaps the defining moment of turnaround was when Hitler re-took the Sudetan Land and went on to secure successive victories at the bullet box.
 

He followed a determined political path that was painful for many but felt necessary to secure a thousand years of prosperity.

Many of his supporters say that if he had known the misery caused by the policy of establishing controversial death camps across Europe, that he would have been shocked and indeed he often wrote touching letters to many of the families of the people he murdered saying they were next.

But many agree that, whatever your feelings about his politics, this is now the birthday of an old man and people should be allowed to mark the occasion with dignity and pay respects with a few jars and some cheesy snacks. 

 

St Paul's Cathedral decorated for the party

Prime Minister Mr Kamikazi said it is only extreme right that we should pay this tribute, a sentiment echoed by Chancellor Osborman, who was seen to shed a tear as the choir sang Wagner’s “O du, mein holder Abendstern”     

 

Captain Klutz

 Since being forced out of power, by those who now line up to sneak in his policies, Mr Hitler had been a sad and lonely figure, suffering long term ill health. Since losing his beloved Eva in a shooting and cyanide accident, he spent his last 10 days almost alone in a small private suite in The Blitz.

Without doubt he was a conviction politician  and on this day, according to the Daily Mail, we remember, not the politics, but the man.

It was perhaps the Bishop of Berlin, while relating a hilarious anecdote about how during one of the Nuremburg Rallies, Hitler tried to have Goering shot for eating all the duck pate, who perhaps reminded us all of the person beneath the uniform.

 

 

 

Guten Tag Everybody Guten Tag

 

Be shoen to eachother

Mersey Under Threat As Mayor Proposes to Sell River

Waterfront to be sold for luxury sailing club.

Mayor on River fact finding mission

At 11.45 yesterday morning, the people of Grotty Cash woke up to the shocking news that the Mayor, Joe Angryman, has proposed to sell off the stretch of the Mersey waterfront at the Pier head.

The proposal, which he claims could raise up to £100 (depending upon which developers build the ugliest model and make up the most far fetched claims) will see this stretch of the river sold in order to build a private marina, with five star bar and club house for yacht owners, drug dealers, and Russian gangsters. 

The Mayor claims that this will provide much needed revenue for the city and that it is vital towards raising funds to maintain Mann Island and clearing up all the bits falling off the Black Coffins.



 

Grotty Cash needs to attract millionaires with their yachts, says Joe, and we cannot achieve this without providing a proper clubhouse for them to relax in. The proposal could also create up to six jobs including, bar staff, toilet cleaners and shoe polishers. Including tips, this could boost the local economy by over 20 shillings a week, he says. 
 

Following a public outcry, the Mayor decided that any money raised will be used to protect the area and ensure it is maintained for future generations.  It will be completely ring fenced, he said,  a giant electric one. This will be to keep the locals out. 

The last thing the yachting fraternity want is a load of locals, beggars and buskers hanging around outside singing Hey Jude.  This part of the river is nothing more than a yobs toilet at moment or somewhere to dump a hand gun. And it is not officially part of the river according to the original plans. 

Sold Down The River?

 Cabinet member for Ebay and regeneration, Councillor Aigburth Canopy, hit back at critics, saying he will do everything in his power to ensure that the river is maintained.  This is a very small stretch of the river, he said, pointing to a map torn out of the Ladybird illustrated edition of the Domesday Book and has never specifically been designated at part of the main river. It was always intended to be allocated for a private luxury yachting club going back many years to the last time we tried to flog it.



Councillor Aigburth Canopy, Cabinet Member for Roundabouts

He went on, "the river is the jewel in our clown, but we are under no statutory obligation to maintain it and we simply do not have the resources.  But now after people getting so angry about us trying to flog this bit again, we have come up with the brilliant argument that we would use some of the money to buy a mop and bucket and one of those picky-up sticks to keep it tidy.  This area has been designated by me as surplus to requirements, it is not used by the public, and the fact is that this bit of the river is completely waterlogged."  To illustrate his love for the rest of the river Mr Canopy was pictured sailing his Airfix boats around the £5 Billion derelict Liverpool Waters site.

Lib Damp Opposition.

Lord Storeyteller of Chilblains

 

Former leader of the Liberally Doomed Party, Lord Bonkers of Chilblains, hit out at the Mayor's plans. Dressed as King Canute and carrying a large duck under his arm,  he said,

"We turned the tide on them last time they tried to pull this stunt and sell off our wet spaces. This is going back to the days of  Sir Troffer Jones, selling off the city's assets and our heritage with dodgy deals. And his Missus  rubber-stamping appalling developments, and making themselves a packet from flogging the historical ships chandlers to go and live on a private........no hang on.... not Sir Troffer, the other bugger, Bessie Hatton...er Braddock...no, Derek...Degsy.....you know, the idiot fireman!

No not Wally Bradlow, the other one. The Millicent Tendency." 

Unfortunately Lord Bonkers's duck then began quacking furiously and he was unable to comment further as they got into a brawl.

However, the current leader of the Coalition Apologists, Councillor Richard Chimp, soon swung into the debate.

"Take no notice of Storeyteller!" he said, "..he's the bugger that spent all the money and left me to take the rap for the Boot estate fiasco. So you can't believe anything he says."

 

Adopting the bulldog spirit and Churchillian tones, Councillor Chimp said "Ohhhh Yes!  We've had all this before. We fought them on the benches, we fought them on the land. Never in the history of humourless conflict has so much been decided by so few. We are demanding that this be called in and I will oppose it with every hair in my moustache"

 

So once again, under the guise of regeneration, parts of Grotty Cash are at risk of being handed to fast buck developers, in order to build playgrounds and more habitats for the well off.

It's now  with the promise that some of the money raised will be used to provide a parking space for a dozen hot dog and burger vans for obese families to queue up at every time an outdoor music festival is cancelled due to the weather.

Acres of derelict land stretch across the city, Warren's War Zones, helped and encouraged by Prescot's disasterous HMRI and the zealots who saw only demolition as the answer, detroying housing that would last another couple of centuries to build cardboard estates with a lifespan of 30 years. 

But those clearance areas are now largely left to sit and rot, along with the people around them. Many of those people will face redundancies, long term unemployment, with attacks and cuts in benefits. Some may even be forced out of their homes because of the bedroom tax while there is no alternative, affordable housing.

If this carries on, people may start getting the idea that the regeneration priority is only about executive homes, luxury apartments, Shanghai Towers, conference centres, penthouses, hotels, bars and Harvey Nicks. They may start to think that nobody is interested in the communities and problems faced by ordinary people. All they are interested in is the developers, grabbing land on the cheap and property few ordinary people can afford with offices and hotels we don't need.

And if they ask why nothing is being done to develop housing for those who are in most need, they may start to believe it's  because that doesn't enrich developers.

The developers are more than happy to sit on the vast stretches of land that they were given, literally, at "Knock Down" prices.

The thing is, once it's gone, it's gone and the money raised from sales like this will soon be gone too. For what? Short term economics, robbing Peter to pay Peel.

 

So is it all about money and being made bankrupt by the coalition slashing the LA grant?

There is possibly one service that could produce a major saving and raise money. Our old friend Liverpool Direct Ltd.

A resource a resource my mayordom for a resource!



Eric Pickles

"If they can afford Liverpool Direct, they must have money to burn"



Well maybe Eric Pickles thinks we don't need such a large grant as we seem to have a lot of cash to spend on one particular service.

Because with all of the cuts and increasing lack of resources to finance council services, with millions more cuts to come, we still maintain a joint venture contract for a call centre that keeps you waiting, only to speak to some poor bugger being screamed at in their earpiece to get you off the line if you go over 3 minutes, who knows nothing about the service you need and just reads from a script.

A deal that has us financially strangled by contracts for IT equipment that costs up to 3 times the price of what's available on the high street and includes a compulsory maintenance charge three times the value of the actual equipment.

The Untouchables with Robbit Stack as 'Elluva Mess.

A so-called joint venture that refuses to reveal expenditure and income to the council, a "joint venture" that has contract deals with other authorities and services, making millions in profit and yet none of that profit comes back to the city....the partner, who can't even get access to their books.

And yet we cry poverty whilst handing them buckets of cash, with no idea of what we are being charged for. Yes we are facing severe savage cuts, but does Liverpool Direct Ltd still seem unaffected by any cutbacks and untouchable?

So in such circumnstances, every time we hear about how we must raise vital resources, why we must cut this service, sell off this asset or bit of green space and how we face another £30 million cuts, there is the fundamental question of why we continue to pay over £60 Million a year to Liverpool Direct? 

They simply refuse to abide by their own contractual obligations around open finances and transparency. It's all there in the contract but they won't reveal it and  the city makes no demands on them to account for the services they provide and still seem to be running scared of challenging them. We just hand them the money with little or no proper scrutiny. 

We continue to make the Directors and BT richer at the taxpayers expense and at the expense of some of the services that are in danger and being cut.

People may start asking why?

Just a thought.


Tatty Bye Everybody...Tatty Bye

Be Nice to eachother....
(by the way, sad news. Derek Batey is dead now so I'm keeping that slogan for myself and he can't touch me for it.)

Read more here, just in case I have got any of the facts wrong.

http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/News-and-Comment/Sale-of-Sefton-Park-Meadowlands-approved


and here

http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/News-and-Comment/Meadows-next-to-Sefton-Park-in-housing-sell-off

Sefton Park Meadows Part of Picnic protest day April 1st 2012
Around 500 people attended throughout the afternoon event

Hope Street: Liverpool Poet, Reggie McCough Celebrates in verse as it is named Best Street, by The Urban Tarmac Academy. The Mayor is at the palace as Queen hides the biscuits and more Custard Pie-scrapers Announced

By Jove Missus, it's been a great few weeks for Liverpool!

Plans are announced to create a new recreation and leisure area for the city, which will involve a multi million pound project to fill the Mersey with water.  Right next to it, they are planning to build The Leaning Tower Of Custard, which will be the 2nd biggest flypaper in Europe.

All of this is going on in the city, alongside Peel Holdups transformation of the North Docks. And once they track down the 3 main Chinese investors, Hu Aah Yu, Hi Lee Do Chi and Fat Chens, I am really looking forward to 2092 when they hope to lay the first foundation stones.

But on top of all this missus...yes there's more, the city also received two great honours.

The Mayor of Liverpool, is given an IOU at Buckingham Palace. (no sign of the £130m yet)

And the Academy Of Tarmacadamy names HOPE STREET as the best street in the Universe.   

 

And it's the Hope Street award I am celebrating here today. Now for those of you who like me threw up in the city   (Editorial Note: Do you mean "grew up in the city"?) you will remember that Hope Street used to be nothing but a dirt track.

At one end there was the Catholic Cathedral and at the other end, the Protestant one. Just a stones throw from eachother.  Well once they threw enough stones, a lady called Hilary Porridge, gathered them all up and used them to lay pavement down either side.

Some say that created the rise of Hope Street - by about 4 inches.  
Well whoever got it off the ground, this award is recognition of everybody's hard work over the years turning it into the most prestig...prestigou...pres....destprig...one of the finest streets in Europe, and they all deserve to be congratulated. 

So what better way to celebrate, than to call on my old friend, local poet launderette Reggie McCough, from the popular 60s brawling group, "The Scuffles" to write an ode to Hope Street.

 


Reggie McCough
of The Scuffles
Liverpool Poet Laundrette.

Now some of you may know, if you read the article on Liverpool Cumfydentures, that the Urban Tarmac Academy, has it's own poet in residence, Harold MacMillen. Now he knocked something off to mark the award. Well I'm sorry, I read it and I don't know what he's on about. http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/Culture/Architecture/Hope-Street-wins-Great-Street-Award

He's worse than that Nerhys Hughes when she was the Poet Launderette. If you asked Hughes to do a quick Limerick about the Queen Mother choking on a fishbone, or anything for that matter, it would start off something like;

"Dead stoat - his rotting tongue stuck to a frozen nettle. Pecked at by a sadistic lark."

Well this poet Macmillan is a bit like that. Not only does it not rhyme like a proper poem that you get in the Echo from their readers...well sometimes... but he goes on about hanging out the washing in the street!

What the bleedin' hell has a washing line got to do with it?


So here we are, the latest work from Reggie McCough
In celebration of Hope Street.
 

 

Hope Is Where The Harp Is

By Reggie McCough

 

Imagine putting a washing line   (Oh for God's sake!)

Along a busy street

Hanging all your knickers out

with a pillowcase and sheet

 

and the sheet had great big holes in it

like a ghost ship's tattered sails

but the rips were not caused by a storm

It's 'cos Mother won't cut her nails

 

And all along that busy street

on the pavement either side

Artists, and performers

often will collide

 

Actors quoting Shakespeare's line

"Aye there is the rub"

and all colliding once again

when they fall out of the pub.

 

A happy place, a magic street

where no one has a frown

With a theatre and famous Bistro

'til the soft gets knocked it down

 

where people come together

and all roll up their sleeves

But the Masons roll their kecks up

that's what everyone believes.

 

With fine cuisine available

for commoner or toff

But you won't find Tesco sarnies

as they were told sod off.

 

And a gentleman's marble lavatory

the Ladies think quite grand

that's if they're not distracted

by what the bloke's got in his hand

 

There's a Catholic Cathedral

where communion wine is sipped

shaped like a headless Dalek

on top of Lutyen's Crypt

 

There's another at the other end

where the Anglicans all sing

So no chance of Sunday kip

when both their church bells ring

 

And a family friendly festival

that really can't be missed

Not like the one in Matthew Street

where half the crowd are pissed

 

With music and performers

amazing food and stalls

where even Living Statues

don't get kicked in the orchestra stalls

 

And when it comes to music

there is the crowning glory

of an orchestra that's world renowned

The Royal Liverpool Tandoori

 

And with their trombones blowing

an anthem by George Chisholm

The award, I'm sure, they helped secure

from the Academy of Urbanism

 

So now along the washing line

a brand new sheet's unfurled

Proclaiming its official

The best street in the world

 

 

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!

 

Be Nice To Each Other!

 

 

A new Archbishop Of Canterbury is announced but not the Scouser we were all hoping for.

By Jove Missus, they have announced former TV Doctor, Marcus Welby MD as the new Archbishop of Canterbury. As you know, I take a great interest in religious matters, as well as politics and I was hoping that the job would go to the current Bishop Of Bradford, Mick Brains, who is a scouser. In fact i had a tenner on him. But gambling is a sin and it serves me right.

I recall the biblical passage from the Psalms of St Benny On The Hill

As David said to Issiah
Life isn't all milk and all honey
He said Issiah come forth
But Issiah came fifth
and that's how he lost all his money

My good friend the local poet and scaffolder, Reggie McCough, was preparing a celebratory poem for the announcement but at the last minute has had to do a major re-write for Bishop Welby. In doing the research for the poem, Reggie discovered that the traditional residence for the Archbishop Of Canterbury is cursed with a terrible and mysterious odour. Evensong Pong, some call it.

And so Reggie has written this piece.

SNIFFING THE BISHOP
By Reggie McCough

What on Earth can that awful smell be?

Cried the new Archbishop, Justin Welby

Don't blame Rowan Williams, he had kept it airy
but a stink still prevailed and he claimed it was Carey

But Carey once said "it's all very queer...
Can I still smell Runcie's foot odour in here?"

But Coggan said, Runcie smelled more like a pansy
No it stunk when I started, I think it was Ramsey.

But an anonymous note signed from a well wisher
Said, don't look at Michael, you can blame Geoffrey Fisher.

But Fisher recalled that during the war
William Temple had smelled it and simply wrote phwoar!

So the terrible smell, with the terrible tang
could well have belonged to old Cosmo Lang

But Cosmo blamed Davidson, who got quite irate,
blaming Temple and Benson or Archibald Tait!

And so it went on this historical link
blaming each ex Archbishop for the terrible stink

Back through Longley and Sumner and Howley and Sutton,
Cornwallis said, check what you just put your foot on

The stink was too great to just blame Thomas Secker
But Matthew Hutton, they say, was a smelly old fecker

Thomas Herring proclaimed, as his last dying wish,
Don't let them blame me ' cos my name's like a fish

And when poor Herring died in 1757
he hoped that he'd not take smell up to heaven.

He need not have worried or shed any tears
for it stunk there while vacant for 15 long years

Before 1645 to 1660,
William Laud had looked quite shifty.

He said Abbot and Bancroft had both blamed poor Whitgift.
Both swore on oath that the smelly old git whiffed.

But historians have uncovered this rare citation
from Matthew Parker, just post reformation

"In 1558 Cardinal Reginald Pole
Was called Cardinal Sin for his right smelly hole."

And it seems where he sat he would curse with the smell
Of Beelzebub's bottom - the odour from hell.

Nobody knows why he suffered this curse
But it's generally agreed that nothing smells worse

So if you think each Archbishop has a miserable gob
He's just suffering the smell that goes with the job.




Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye
Be Nice To Each Other

Watch out for my review of the plans to rebuild Liverpool and The Great Tower of Custard.