Sunday, 22 November 2009

A Day At The Races, for Hilton Stilton and major boost to the Lord Mayors Charity

Grotty Cash Executive Prepare Strategy for Next Weeks Crucial Finance Meeting

By Jove Missus, it's political corruptives
 gone mad!

Can't you have a bit of fun on the rates these days without people having a go at you? I am referring to a recent disgraceful attack on my very good friend and Town Clerk for Grotty Cash, Mr Hilton Stilton and his expenses management team.

Yes it's that Stinky Ink Bartlets, from the Oldham Gazette, up to his old tricks again.

Poor Mr Stilton is a very polite man and if people are kind enough to send him 9,000 free invitations to Race Meetings, sporting events, concerts, dinners and Bingo Gala nights, well he is far too polite to refuse. But you can't have a go at the man for that  - he can't go to them all for heavens sake - so what if he said no to six of them? 

He can't be everywhere at once! How can you possibly get from the 2.15 at Chepstow to the the 2.30 at Newmarket, it's ridiculous. And then if you have to rush home and rinse through a pair of clean knickers ready to throw at Tom Jones during the concert at 8.00pm the same night, the poor man would be worn out.

But let me tell you this missus, at every free dinner he attends, there is a little doggy bag under the table for his loyal staff. He fills it up after every meal. All the gravy goes to his management team and over a thousand of his other staff may get the chop.

But he has been trying to save his money, just in case Cameron gets in, so of course he's going to grab as many free outings as he can - it makes sense!  But oh no, the local Rag and Bones man, who looks after the accounts, Harry H. Corbett, has kicked up a fuss telling them all to make a quick bung to the Lord Mayors Charity, otherwise it doesn't look good. "City in financial ruin, millions of pounds shortfall and you're at the race track every couple of days" he said. ..Hmmm put it like that and I suppose it would start the gossips.

I gave a few quid to the Lord Mayors Charity myself but somebody said that part of the money was being used to buy Mayor Jackastorey a new bucket of gravel and a packet of lard for his hair.  Probably that Richard Kempton-Park told me.

But anyway Missus, don't believe these gossip mongers, I can assure you that Mr Stilton is a gentleman and a dollar..I mean scholar. As soon as he heard that it all looked dodgy, he and his friends in the private box at the Philharmonic, without any provocation, hint or suggestion, imediately made donations to the Lord Mayors Charity as soon as Corbett told them to. Although actually I suppose we did, since we pay their salary. 

Never mind, as far as I'm concerned, Mr Stilton works damned hard for this city and is rewarded with a pittance of only £230,000 per year plus 20% performance related pay (even that depends upon how many performances he's been to that week) So if anyone thinks he just spends his days at the races before heading off to watch Morrisey from Wet Wet Wet at the Arena, and then going for a free nosh-up, I have put together this brief documentary that shows it's not all freebies and perks.

This covers just one busy week in the life of the man who had to squeeze into the tiny shoes of the Evil Sir Diddy.

So in the documentary posted below, we follow Mr Stilton, during just an average week in Grotty Cash.  Amongst other things you will see him preparing for Cabinet meetings, opening events, giving speeches and presentations, trying to get a meeting with the Fireman and council leader Wally Bradlow, working on the budget, looking into the new docks development, rallying support for and testing out one of the proposed Tram systems before finally having a moment to quickly wash and brush-up in Misadventure Place, courtesy of the local doctor.  A man simply trying to get on with the job.


More news to Come.
I'll be back soon with a full report into the 4,000 dodgy Etch a Sketch devices that Liverpool Direct tried to pass off as Laptops to Grotty Cash Council at an annual cost of  £78,000,000.

A furious Councillor Richard Clamp has finally spoken out against this madness and laid the blame for his disasterous handling of the Boot Estate, squarely on the poor IT equipment he was forced to use when masterminding the development strategy.

LDL Laptop £3,000 cost plus £2,000 compulsory
annual maintenance charge

Replacement mouse from LDL IT range £175.00
plus £25.00 for the key
For more items or to order goods, see full catalogue of disaster

I'll also be reviewing Judy Finnigan's new show, Pet's Cost Millions, and letting you know how my old dog Mac, a balding Rottweiller, is getting along with the terrible incontinence and trembling problem he has suffered since  Judy accosted him during a lively broadcast of the new daytime show on Dale Street the other week.

      New call to ban dogs from fouling the city

But enough of this doom and gloom, let's have some good news for a change!

So here is some good news to end on, forget thousands of job losses being planned, forget Liverpool Direct ripping us off for £78 Million and still nobody with enough guts in the Lib Dems to admit it has all been a con. Forget too about the budget shortfall of at least £124 Million over the next couple of years and forget the 08 Place losing £1million a year. The good news is that we have committed £7 million pounds  of your money to pay consultants to come in over the next twelve months to give us some much needed guidance on how to start running this city properly.  

It is going very well so far, and the consultants are doing such a good job that I can confirm that by December 2010, there is every possibility that Grotty Cash Council will have a clear strategy in place that will  enable them to identify their Arses from their Elbows. This will be a major step forward for the city leadership. 

The first draft of their report has already been published and presented to the leader of the council Wally Bradlow, but unfortunately he is so far unable to understand the complicated diagrams.

Not to worry, we will get some more consultants in to explain it to us in laymans terms.

With this kind of determination, I'm sure they'll soon get the administration of the city back on the right track.

Chester Racecourse has a good track apparently! 

Fancy a flutter missus? 

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

EXCLUSIVE;An Epic poem on the knackering up of the Liverpool World Heritage Site as William McGonagall writes for Chronic Calls.

By Jove Missus!  Thanks to Mrs Hewitt's Ouija board we present a special edition of Professor Chucklebutty's Liverpool Chronic Calls, as we publish an ode to our developing city, the historical waterfront and the "Three Graces" as dictated from the other side by the late great  poet and tragedian, William Topaz McGonagall.

Luckily, my friend, Liverpool Poet and former member of The Scuffles, Reggie McCough, was on hand to tidy it up a bit, as McGonagall kept shouting "Are ya tellin' me am deed?" More on McGonagall

The Beautiful World Heritage Site On The Silvery Mersey

By William McGonagall
"Oh what a beautiful sight to behold"
many people would say, as their stories they told
Of the time they arrived in fair Liverpool
And their eyes lit up and their mouths did drool

The world came here, from all cultures and races,
Welcomed ashore by our fine three graces.
Though I feel that I must point out to you,
Before 1911 there were only two.
So without wishing to be at all pedantic
Not everyone who has crossed the Atlantic
Would have been met by the graceful three
When they ended their journey across the sea.

But I am sure the experience was not diminished
By the Liver Buildings not being finished
But all who do see them it has been said,
From Shanghai to Peru or Birkenhead

Do loudly cheer and we must surely agree
That it is a most beautiful sight to see
So highly in fact did the visitors rate us
That now it is granted World Heritage status
We take Pride in and love in equal measure
Our port, an architectural treasure
Best viewed from the river or the Albert dock
But what is this people cry out in shock?

For they are constructing something new
That has destroyed what was the finest view
Where once their image was reflected
Two great dark slabs are being erected

Misshapen blocks of cold shining black
A featureless mass stops you dead in your track
For what was once a site of celebration
Has suffered a heinous desecration
A rising monstrosity that now defaces
The land around our proud three graces
What kind of demented fools approved
With the risk of our status being removed?

The construction of these soulless towers
Like great black slugs amongst fragrant flowers
A great architectural travesty
Like two new Concourse Towers on sea

And who of sound mind would buy or rent
Next to the great Mersey Tunnel vent
For a healthy living must be in doubt
Where the carbon monoxide filters out.
How many new flats we should be told
Are now occupied or remain unsold
I offer a quick unscientific test
Hands-up if you live in One Park West

If you bought one of those, what price did ye pay?
And what may I ask is it valued at today
Had ye been at the demon drink when ye signed the cheque
For a home that looks like Wigan Tech?
The city skyline that now we see
Devoid of art and symmetry
A rising mess of concrete and glass
From the architectural dunces class
And where we yoyage on our famous ferry
They’ve created a heap that looks built by Jerry
Winner of the great carbuncle cup
Like a caravan with it’s downside up

Is there nay reached a point of saturation
For the city planners to have some hesitation
Or is it the fact each planning application
Is a gift to property speculation?

Wrapped in the term regeneration
Yet with the city’s falling population
It does nothing to address our real housing need
For the driving force for this is greed

And while the ink on one application’s still damp
The next one’s there for the rubber stamp
To keep adding more common sense can’t deny
We are building ghost towns in the sky

"That will be three shillings and sixpence please."



Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Be nice to each other.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Matthew Street Special Festival Report with John, Paul, George and Tesco lookalikes on every corner. Surprise guests make big impact and Mysterious Shopping trolley apears in Cathedral Font

By Jove Missus what a weekend! Liverpool’s Meryl Streep Street Festival bigger and better than ever before. More bands than Arriva Conductor Vassilly Pertbottom could shake a stick at, which seems to be an obsession of his. Of course it was all started around those four cheeky mop tops from Manchester. Every year it attracts thousands of music fans to the city, many who dress-up for the ocassion. Swarms of them everywhere, it seems you can't go down any street without finding a John, Paul, George or Tesco on the corner.

And the success of this years event  has already been hailed by Wally Bradlow, Leader of the Silly Console. Wally says he is already looking at ways to make next years bigger and better including promising to enter a World Mug bid. Do you know they are even talking about changing the name of the Park known as The Mystery?  It's going to be called "Christ we are losing millions on this new olympic size swimming pool, who costed this up?"

Ham Fists? makes a change from putting your foot in it and you don't need to go all the way to Tesco.  Every Lib-dum helps.

It really is remarkable how this major free festival has come back to life after the fiasco a couple of years ago when Jason Orange decided to Take That £230,000 and we were left with just Jacko Plinky Plonk and his cardboard guitar standing on a bin in Williamson Square in front of the bemused crowd of 20,000 Japanese and American tourists.  Sadly, due to health & safety concerns,Jacko Plinky Plonk was prevented from continuing with his performance meaning that the crowd were forced to watch Chas & Dave singing Grabbit Grabbit Grabbit from the roof of the 08 Place.

Of course the 08 place has come in for some stick recently, well actually since it was built. Suddenly everybody is wondering what it's for.  Fortunately, in between saving the finances of the city for the future and putting aside any party differences with a personal private and heartfelt plea that he copied to all the local media, to unite people around him as the obvious leader of a new coalition, Councillor Richard Cramp, hero of the Boot Estate development (posthumous award) is to lead an enquiry into the 08 place. He has promised to examine absolutely everything that went on with it and what its purpose is...well except for the financial goings on when it was built, the reports to the Executive Board, the overbudget refit that was sneaked through, the use it has been put to and who gets to park there for free etc.

 COUNCILLOR CORKY  thinks Wally is finished. A case of  Bootsie and Fudge

Anyway back to the plot. Now prior to the start, of the weekend festival, I had been over to Manchester to collect some dear friends of mine, Elsie and Gladys Sissons, (No relation to Peter Sissons, although he'd never let on) who just don’t get the chance to see such major festivals or top acts on their own doorstep and both of them have been big fans of Jolly Marsden and the Pacmakers ever since his days on the Sooty Show.
Elsie and Gladys Sissons from Cheadle
Now the funny thing is, the day before, I had mentioned to a friend who works in the new Culture department, who took over from Harbottle and the Custard Company, that as a big surprise I was bringing the sisters to the festival. Now my culture friend Clara, got very excited about this for some reason and asked if they would do a few numbers live on stage. You give them a mic and an audience and you’ll never get them off the stage I said. Right she said if we sort it, you could put them on the centre stage at 8.00pm the crowd would love it this is going to be brilliant!!! Really I said? Well all right I’ll keep it as a surprise for them as well.

So with Elsie 87 and Gladys 83 in the back of the car we were hurtling down the M62 on our way to the festival with them both singing “Jerry Cross the Mersey” at the top of their voices. I keep telling them it’s ferry but they always start shouting that Ferry was Rexy Music and poke me in the back of the neck and then tugging my hair saying "get it cut, you're like a girl - he is a girl.."   blah blah yak yak....Old sods!
                                                     FERRY and THE PACEMAKERS

So anyway we just got off the M62 and Gladys says she wanted a six pack of Red Bull to keep her energy levels up. Fortunately there was a Tesco Express on Queens Drive so we nipped in there and then set off again. Just as we got to Old Swan Elsie wants some Extra strong mints (she thinks it disguises the hip flask effects) fortunately there was a big Tesco on the corner so I ran in there for them and off we set again.

Elsie offers the mints around and Gladys says she only likes the spearmint ones so we headed towards Allerton as there is a big Tesco superstore there but they didn’t have any in stock. Fortunately just around the corner in Rose Lane there is a Tesco Express so we popped in – no luck again - but as luck would have it there was a Tesco Metro on Greenbank Road who had a box of them at the counter. By this time I was getting dizzy and took the wrong turn. It was only when I saw the Tesco Metro on Aigburth Road I knew where I was. I don’t like going into Town via Park Road although the area should improve once they open the new Tesco store so we headed back across Sefton Park to Wavertree Road and stopped off at the Tesco Metro in Edge Hill to get some sandwiches.

Then I remembered that I had been asked to officially open that store and I recalled that within minutes of me speaking the crowd started to shout and protest. I think it was something to do with the freshness of a sandwich somebody had bought as they all shouted “Ya awful Chickenbutty Off Off Off!” or at least that’s what it sounded like. I didn’t get the chance to find out as Sir Terry took the microphone from me and pushed me off the stage. So I thought no, sod them we’ll go somewhere else for our sandwiches.

I think Sir Terry was a bit annoyed with me from the off anyway, because of the little accident I had when parking the car.
But I don't hold grudges, missus no I am full of plumsiousness and whimsy (its the marrowfat peas) and anyway I understand that Tesco has made a great donation to this years festival that may be auctioned for charity. Yes they commissioned an oil painting of the classic Beatles album cover Abbey Road, the one with the lads on the zebra crossing . They have updated it a bit though for the modern audience.
ABBEY ROAD ALBUM 2009 Every Beatle helps

Luckily just by the Uni on Brownlow Hill, there was a convenient Tesco Express so we picked up a few sarnies to see us through until lunch.
As soon as we set off Gladys says did you get me a scotch egg? Well I wasn’t going back for that.  If only i could find another convenient shop selling scotch eggs. I’m not a fan of them myself, strikes me as a mutation – what do they feed the chickens on?

I couldn't believe my luck, there just a few hundred yards round the corner on Mount Pleasant was another Tesco. Hang on while I nip in here. They had them in six packs so I got two for the greedy mare.
Here are your mutant chickens I said as we drove away again.

I should have kept my mouth shut. What's in this sandwich? Is this cheese? shouts Gladys I wanted chicken sandwiches. Cheese brings me heads on she said. So I had to stop the car on Renshaw Street and run down Bold Street to the Tesco Express for her and her chicken sarnies.
Back in the car, she says did you get me any Neurofen? That cheese has given me a migraine. Well what did you eat the bloody things for then ? I said. Some of them were for me!! You've scoffed the sodding lot! So anyway I had to jump out again by the precinct and nip into Clayton Square to try and find somewhere that sold painkillers. Nearest place I could find, thank goodness, was a a large Tesco store.
It’s very salty this chicken, says Elsie as we set off, spitting bits down the back of me shirt, did you get any mineral water?........

Luckily just along the road there was a Tesco Express on Lord Street. It was either that or back up to the new Tesco on London Road, so I popped in there for a bottle. All the time the two of them stuffing their faces and singing their heads off. Suddenly Gladys gets a coughing fit and starts complaining of a sore throat. You’ve got Swine Flu I said! I’ll have to shoot you. You’re the only swine we know, she said, we must have got it off you. Well what do you want for your throat - besides my hands round it? I asked.  Well I don’t want Tunes, she said, they have mental in them, what’s the ones with no taste a bit like Tunes? I know, Hacks she said.  But they're strong I said - all throat lozenges have a strong taste. No,no she insisted, you could get them now with no taste. Right I said so you want some Hacks with no taste, well there is only one place for that these days, Old Hall Street.  Yes, they have a Tesco Express.
By this time we had missed half the performances at the festival and it was nearly 8 o’clock when we just got to the main stage. As soon as I approached the VIP section (Virile Ingenious Professors) some frantic stagehand grabbed me and said have you brought them? Cogloose has smuggled in the all the nationals, BBC, Sky news, MTV and everything to cover it. Blimey! I said, yes they are with me. Are they ready to go straight on? asked the anxious stagehand, only word has leaked out and there are thousands waiting to see them. Really I said, doesn't say much for the rest of the acts. Anyway you try stopping them, I said.

I went back to the ladies and said right Gladys, Elsie - a big surprise for you - they want you on stage to do a few numbers. There's a big crowd here just to see you two. That turn you do at the bingo on Fridays must have caught on since Mr Clack put it on You Tube. You know the one where your teeth fell into your cleavage when you were singing Hello Dolly. Seems they are all waiting for you. Do you think you can do a few of your numbers?
Well they were up onto the stage like a shot fighting over the microphone behind the curtain. Meanwhile I could just make out my friend Cogloose starting an announcement to the crowds.

We have a Brilliantly briliant surprise!  she gushed
Liverpool...Are - You -.Ready?....... (huge roar of yes from the crowd)
Ready to welcome on stage at the Matthew Street Festival (sic) Two Thousand and Nine..
The fabulous, fantastic,
brilliant and amazingly…. er ..brilliant…. a huge Liverpool welcome for.........

The Scissor Sisters!!!!

The crowd went wild with cheers as the curtains began to open.  I kept tapping Cogloose on the shoulder saying Sissons…not scissors it’s Sissons .... the Sissons Sisters -  from Cheadle, but she couldn’t hear me for the cheers.  As they took centre stage Elsie and Gladys started to belt out “You are My Sunshine” - lovely harmonies as always - one starts the first line after the other you know how it goes - the crowd fell suddenly silent but only for a few moments.

     Crowds turn nasty at Oldham Street Festival Photo courtesy of Oldham Chronic
Anyway as we were speeding back up Canning Street, a few minutes later, trying to find somewhere that sold bandages, TCP and elastoplasts or at least something to take the swelling down.
I turned into Hope Street hoping we could find a late night shop or convenience store. And do you know what? There wasn’t a single bloody Tesco to be found.

No wonder this city is going down the pan. Pull the front off one of those old terraced houses and it would make a lovely Supermarket. I certainly didn't have time to drive a few hundred yards up the road to the next Tesco.

Fortunately there was a small convenience store on the corner that sells everything you might want. Thank goodness for small businesses. They need our support.

It can be done you know.

STOP PRESS:       4th Sept. Tesco were planning to open a store in Hope Street but have withdrawn following a spirited sensible campaign by the former Monkees guitarist and actor Mike Nesquick. Three cheers for common sense and well done Tesco for listening to the people of the city.  I for one will still be buying my Scotch Eggs at your shops everytime Elsie and Gladys come to visit.  What do they feed the chickens on?

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye.

P.S. Just in celebration of the ladies brief performance, here is a link to a rather different version of You Are My Sunshine with an important message from those busybodies in GREENPEACE.

I know it's a bit blue for me but then so are me bruises at the moment

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Terminal Architecture at World Heretic Site, Rednose Gingerbench arrives, Bronzed-Off at Lime St, Penguins Revolt and the Mayor is Bugged

The Award Winning New Ferry Terminal Pier Head Liverpool

By Jove Missus, what’s wrong with the people of this city? I have just been down to look at the developments at Mann Island and the Pier head everyone is moaning about and I think they are amazing! Have you seen what’s being built down there? The new ferry terminal is positively breathtaking in the boldness of its design. A triumph of modern architecture, unlike anything seen before or hopefully ever again.

I can’t see why some people don’t like the new terminal; they obviously weren’t fans of the Flintstones. I thought I’d strolled right into Bedrock. The Architects Yabba, Dabba and Doyouthinkwecangetawaywiththisrubbish, have provided the Pier Head with a building that genuinely compliments the rest of the misshapen slabs that now pollute our World Horror Stage Site, and why not? We can’t keep living in the past! The so-called Three Grocers have become a cliché, it’s about time we hid the damned things from view. Either that or just knock ‘em down for car parking.

It’s not often I agree with the soon to be ex-leader of the Silly Console, Wally Bradlow, but this time he is spot on. Answering the criticisms of a certain Mr Bruce Wayne who writes the blog, Grotty Cash Preservatives, Wally hit back by saying:

“ Er..Salisbury City Council came in for the same criticisms 3 million years ago when they built Stone Minge and look at it now, when that’s finished it’s going to be amazing. I am sick and tired of these theodolites that are against anything modern and incredibly ugly. We want to make Liverpool into a European perineum vibrating city and I am unanimous along with everybody else on that one. I mean look Roger, you only have to look at where we were 10 years ago….where were we Steve? What do you mean we were standing by the printer? No not that! Anyway we weren’t, you did that on your own remember, except that you are innocent…stop going on about it will yer? ”

On the subject of great architecture missus, which we weren’t, there is good news for the Duke Of Westphalia, he’s managed to flog 46 mini-labs in the Wigan technical college on the front of the Grotty Cash One Shopping development.

So that’s only another 300 or so to off-load. I’ll bet the Grossvenal group is regretting sneaking in all those extra floors now. Now some people have even criticised this fantastic achievement. If we are talking about preserving our culture and historical legacy, what better way than to re-create the past by selling off a huge chunk of the city to a Feudal Lord? Yes that’s right missus, when you pop into the shops for your washing up powder, you are now officially a serf buying Surf. Typical of Grotty Cash to let this happen. What do you expect when we are run by a bunch of fiefing Vassals.


And on the subject of shopping, great news if you want to take the weight off your corns. The Bench for Liverpool 08 has finally been produced! And do you know what? The thing is rather nice – I like it.. Alright it’s a bit like a cadaverous Gingerbread man being carried away for burial by little diddy gingerbread men but then so is Professor Rednose, who came up with the idea for competition. It is a just a shame that within ten minutes of it going on display, some rude graffiti vandal, probably SouthBanksy or whatever he’s called, had to draw a gentleman’s thingy on it, you know missus, a Wally. What does that say to everyone about our year as COC?

But very well done to the gentleman who submitted the winning entry it. It really is a charming and simple design.
Now speaking of art, it’s about time I went public on this. Lime Street Station! I’ve kept quiet so far but now every time I see it and the crowds of people laughing at it and then pointing at me…well I have had enough. I knew after seeing the statues of John and Dudley Moores who founded Diddywood’s Pools had been made to look like Ed the Duck and Dr Crippen that i shouldn't get too excited. Then we got the two Bishops of Liverpool, Archbishop Deryck Guyler and Dr Alan Sheppard, the first Bishop to play cricket on the Moon or something, and they looked like they had both fallen into a skip full of wet cement, I thought this may not be the honour I was hoping for. So my expectations were not high which was just as well when I saw what our local sculptor, Tom Mersey, had knocked up in his shed.

It looks like David Jacobs on crack! Like I am hallucinating over a giant corn on the cob. And have you seen the crotch of my trousers? I am a renowned Operatic Tenor. If I wore them I’d be castrato in no time. Far too tight for knotting sausages!

They’d certainly help me to release Tears.
And what has Aunt Bessie got to do with Liverpool – running up to me with one of her home-made dumplings?

No I’m sorry mate, they did a lovely statue of Eric Sykes in Morcambe, doing his trademark dance at the end of he show (pictured below) but I’ve ended up with this thing.

What do you thing of it so far...?

I like the one of Barry Fury but look at the hair on the one of me, or huuurr ..huurrrr, as we say it in Liverpool, if you couldn’t do it properly, why didn’t you do me in me big hat and fur.....fuuuur…..fuuuuuur, coat?
You could have had me banging me drum at 3 o’clock in the morning trying to find out what time it is. Instead I’ve got a lift and separate suit, a meringue on me head and a giant shrivelled salami in my hand!

The only decent one he’s done, as far as I can see, is the statue they have in Croxteth to celebrate a local political figure. It's called “The Fat Defector” although, I can’t see it lasting beyond next year as he couldn’t afford enough bronze and had to use pastry.

Thank goodness there is still the statue of me in Grotty Cash Village, a much better likeness, one that reveals the real me, as I was in my younger days. Mind you missus, even that is a bit out of proportion – look at the size of my tickling stick!

Young Chucklebutty leaning on his tickling stick tree


Now missus, sticking with the art theme, you will all recall the great success of last years “Let’s go for Lambanana Supper”

Perhaps the biggest and popular ongoing event of 2008. A daft statue that the council had ignored and shunted around for nearly nine years. The quirky design and comment about genetic engineering and agriculture. The Superlambanana.

As you may recall, I commissioned my good friend and Liverpool limerick writer Reggie McCough to compose a Lambanana ode for the pages of Liverpool Continental in celebration of our little friend being saved….sort of. Here it is to read, if you link on this click

Well how could we top that? How could we come up with something as odd and unique that would capture the imagination of the city? Well we couldn’t so we are going to shove a load of penguins everywhere and order kids in schools to decorate them or get expelled.

Stop the Lib-Dums getting rid of our Lollipop patrols. Penguins against Pelican crossings!

It’s odd that the Glib Dummercrats should go for this idea, given the fight they had with the p-p-p-penguins over secondary p-p-p-picketing when they tried to sack all the Lollipop patrols and force children to use cheap labour Pelican Crossings. Of course they deny it now but at the time we all knew it was fishy, which is what attracted the penguins to the city in the first place. Well I may mock, but there is every sign that this will catch on. Already there are penguins being spotted splashing about in the Mersey.

Even our own Lord Phil Rednose has been promoting the event and dressing up as a penguin for all the usual publicity shots. You would think that after the near disaster caused by the Custard Company in the run up to 2008 that he would know better than to let my old friend McCogloose order the penguin costume for him. Here is Professor Rednose in his outfit launching the event’s the wrong colour surely? It just doesn’t look right. Doesn’t say penguin to me.

Bugs and Beatles

Our new Lord Mirth, Muck Storeyteller, is keeping busy, it was marvellous to see him at the opening of the wonderful new Creepy Crawlies and Bugs exhibition. Here are a few of them showing off the inferior cheap cladding they sneaked into the design that will grace our marvellous Xrate Museum of Liverpool Lice and double as a giant skateboard park.

It was great to see the Mayor nervously getting into the spirit of things at the Bug Exhibition. I have to say though that for some of the children who started crying and trembling, it was a frightening ordeal seeing a rather unpleasant looking and wriggling little creature up close, but when the staff explained it was only the mayor, they calmed down and shoved a scorpion down his trousers.

"Whaahahaaa...get that bug out !" Says Mr Mayor

The was another major scare, when police received reports that one of the giant hissing cockroaches had escaped and had been seen heading towards Merseytravel HQ but it turned out to be a false alarm and it was just a local fireman in one of his many disguises on his way to collect his council allowances.

Now the marvellous thing about this exhibition – they really should try this at Chester Zoo – is that you can get to eat the exhibits. Yes Missus. Instead of a Goosenargh Chicken, you can have a Baked Tarantula. Everyone gets a leg…By Jove!

Here's some infrmation about the exhibition if you want to go and play with some spiders or eat a few delicacies like Ant and Dec

I’m surprised that Ms Angie Samples, at Liverpool Confit of dential hasn’t done a review of it for their restaurant guide. They can’t be squeamish, I mean all the places she and that Lucky Grills has been to, they must have already swallowed half a ton of cockroach legs and the odd beetle by now. Lemon Grass indeed! I mean one lunch trip to ( ) would give you enough antennae to pick up channel five.
C’mon let’s have a review. With photos of the happy diners. I’d do it myself but I’m still recovering from the Seagull Bap I had at Munro's a while back.

Here's some recipe suggestions from what used to be our museum


Before I go, I should just mention that I was not successful in my application for the £75k job of Director of Destination Grotty Cash. To make sure that people see Liverpool as a cultural destination and have a rewarding cultural experience. A new post created by a cash strapped council looking to make savings and cut services by duplicating the work already done by the Mersey partnership and the head of tourism.

So whose mate is going to get this nice little number then? I could easily have done that. I’ve even got my own A to Z and I am on first name terms with Mrs Ida Downey from The Adolfo hotel.

Well I mentioned a certain person that has recently taken up a position on the board of No Mercy Travel and, although I have no proof, I strongly suspect a stitch-up between the fire brigade and the bus drivers on this one. I was sent this photograph of the two shortlisted candidates. You make up your own mind.
Ding-ding hold tight now, next stop Grotty Cash. Please give the driver the correct change - £75,000 plus prp - Aythenkyew move along the bus now!

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye

Be Nice to each other…

p-p-p-push over a penguin