Friday 6 March 2015


Lofty Ideas

The Mayor of Grotty Cash is a big bloke...

Some people think he's tree fellers.

Well he isn't, he's just one. But some of his mates are.

Like the ones who want to chop down 27 mature trees in a conservation area within Sefton Park to build a so-called executive housing estate.

There is no escaping the fact that the city is in a perilous financial situation as a result of brutal and disproportionate cut imposed by the Conservative-Lib Dem  Coalition. But the Mayor's argument used to justify selling off parts of the city's Victorian park land for short term gain, just doesn't hold water. (unlike the individual £3,500 taps fitted to the sinks in his new offices) 
The park land in Sefton Park, Walton Hall Park, Woolton Woods and Calderstones belongs to the people of the city. It is not something an elected mayor should have the right to sell, particularly when we were denied the right to say if we wanted an elected Mayor in the first place.

I have no doubt of the pain the councillors are going through in setting a budget when faced with such an ideological onslaught but the selling off of Park Land does not benefit the city nor the people. It only benefits the developers, who can't wait to get their hands on prime land and who let the acres of brown field sites sit as waste ground.

People are angry about scale of the cuts and often unfairly blame the council, who are in a catch 22 situation. But they also want to hold them to account when they feel strongly about particular issues or  see examples of what they think may be wasted money.

So it doesn't help when anyone questioning the actions of the Mayor or indeed raising any questions seem to be dismissed, shouted down, ridiculed or instantly blocked on social media.

I know he has a lot on his shoulders, and fine pair of shoulders they are. He should show 'em off.

But it's enough to make you want to burst into song.  Sing Lofty.

Be Nice To Each Other

Tuesday 4 March 2014

People of Grotty Cash shocked to read that Cllr Harry Bottle is in discussion with Dumble Mayor about possible return to Hogwash

In an exclusive leak, the Oldham Echo's political Editor, Muck Wadingthrough, has revealed that Britain's youngest councillor may be about to re-join the Labour Party, after his shock resignation last year.

This  followed  the rift between him and the local MP and anti ciggies campaigner, Luciana Bensonandhedges.

Many of the local people in the  Wavegoodbye constituency are saying it's like when Robbie Williams returned to CUT THAT and the tubby one pretended he was pleased to see him. 

But will they want him back for good?

Some are speculating that he has managed to raise his profile so much that they now regarded him as a real threat to the seat. Maria Wetherspoon, one of the de-selection team, who wore a rubber mask so as not to be identified, said "we had to do something, to stop us losing votes, we could have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for that meddling kid."
Photo courtesy of Ali MacWoolorworse, Editor Oldham Echo.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other

......especially Jake.

Tuesday 14 January 2014

Yes....The Puppets are coming and so is the Axe Man. Never mind...Watch the puppets!

At least Liverpool Direct has been spared from the brutal cuts. Well, we wouldn't know where to start. We don't know how much we are paying them or what we are paying them for....or even if they work for us or Lancashire.
All we know the words of young Mr Grace...

"They are all doing very well!"

But they can't tell us that. Never mind, just keep handing them the cash.

Tatty Bye Everybody...Tatty Bye

Be nice to each other

Tuesday 25 June 2013

Liverpool Resignation Crisis: Mayor to Stand Down in order to stand against himself as Mayor in 2015. Professor Chucklebutty is asked to write for Dale Street Associates and spills his beans on the big story

In a sensational development the Mayor of Grotty Cash, Jake Anderson, has announced he is to quit New Conservatives and stand against himself as Mayor in the 2015 election.

Since he publicly attacked Ed Cameron and said he is ashamed to be a member of the party for their stance on refusing to repeal the pasty tax, he was suspended at the request of the leader of the local party, Luciona Parachute who accused him of "Having principals and knocking on doors without learning his lines, which risked ruining the whole pantomime." 

Oh no she didn't.....Oh yes she did.
Happier times surrounded by Lucy and staff from Burger King on Election night 2010
In his resignation statement Mr Manderson, said;

"By Jove Missus, since I publicly exposed the bullying of the poor by Ed Cameron and his outright refusal to reverse the cuts, I have asked myself - what do I tell people on the doorsteps?  Other than, sorry, I've cracked your doorstep. 

If we believe something is immoral and wrong then we should have the courage to oppose it and commit to scrapping it. Like I used to say about Liverpool Direct.

Yes Missus, it's sink or swim time in Liverpool. Especially if you were on the Duck Tour.

I was born in Grotty Cash but I am currently living under a tarpaulin on Sefton Park Meadows where I spend my days counting the people walking their dogs and post the results on Twitter. 
I may as well, my emails leak more than the tarpaulin.

Sefton Park meadows where Joe want to bulldoze these children 

I joined the Labour Party because I was drunk one night and woke up with a tattoo of Margaret Beckett on my left buttock and Shirley Williams on the other. Then she joined the gang of four and I ran out of buttocks.  Thankfully Tony Blair changed all that and I quickly found myself in his New Conservatives Party.

For the last two years, since becoming Mayor, I have worked to have several hundred lunch saving bicycles installed across the city, to allow people who do not have access to Greggs or Sayers to quickly get across town to their nearest outlet.   And this work has been recognised by no less than Ed Cameron himself, who in 2012 commended me in a speech to the Young Bakers and Sausage Knotters Conference for my services to the pastry.

Since the problems I have been facing with leader Ed Cameron emerged, the people of Grotty Cash have overwhelmingly asked well why are you implementing the cuts then? Why don't you stop giving 60 odd million a year to Liverpool Direct?

Well I have searched for an answer as to why don't we get any of the money from the joint venture, why we pay them all that money and have no idea what they actually do. I even asked Liverpool Direct for an answer but they just sent me a bill for £20k for asking the question.
I said why do you want £20k before you'll tell me what you do? They said that's commercially sensitive. Then I remembered I have to pay them that every time, which is why I had to stop asking. Money talks and at those prices I can't afford to talk to them too often.
But this, ladies and gentlemen, has inspired me to make the following announcement.  
As a working class lad from Liverpool, who is determined to do what I want, and ignore everyone (apart from Frank Downtown and Mr Holdings from Peel) I have decided to announce today that I will be standing against myself in the election for Mayor in 2015. Quite frankly I have had enough of me and standing against myself is the only option. It's the only way to get me out and replace me with me.

I am not afraid to stand up against myself when I am wrong. And I think I am right to do so. It would be wrong not to stand up for what's right. Even when it's me. And by doing what's right, I will right the wrongs of a party that has shifted to the right, which is wrong, and put things right. That is the clear message I have for the people of the city. 

I have a record of complaining against things such as World Heritage Status and people who moan about me trying to flog off bits of the park for luxury houses and I am happy to ignore petitions. Well I intend to put a stop to myself and stand up for what they believe in, which is me.

I will be a real voice for the people of Grotty Cash, displaying strong opposition to any immoral land sell-offs that are put forward by me, and against the wicked silence from our Tory leader, Ed Cameron, who taxes our patience and credibility by refusing to draw the bedroom curtains.
Miliband keeping any promises to restore Tory cuts under his hat
I whole heartedly believed that I belonged on the board of Liverpool Direct, and that I would feel at home as a member and as friend of BT. Sadly this has not turned out to be the case.

I don't need a script to ignore members of the public. If people come to me with issues, I just tell them straight. You're all wrong. You've been duped. Look at the plans. The Yellow Duck was never part of the Albert Dock! 

I am not anti-Labour, I am principled, and believe I can do a better job as the Mayor than the current Mayor, which is me. And that's why I have decided to oppose myself. I said OPPOSE Missus! By Jove yes! They can't touch you for it!  

I have even had backing from former leader of Grotty Cash Council, Lord Short Storey who sent me a bottle of 5 year old Peroni which made me want to vomit.

I would eventually like to return to a Labour Party that welcomes freedom of expression, as long as I agree with it. The Labour Party should be there to stick up for people who need a helping hand and not stick two fingers up instead. Although Ed Balls will not at this stage commit to the number of fingers he is prepared to stick up under a Labour Government. He says he would have to judge it by the circumstances at the time. But he can guarantee that anyone cruelly affected by the coalition cuts can expect the Labour leadership to at least stick up one finger
Labour leadership's message to those hit by attacks on benefits
People need a real alternative to me and I am that alternative.

Thus I am with immediate effect resigning as a member of the New Conservative Party. I will serve out the rest of my term as Mayor Of Grotty Cash as an independent, and I look forward to defeating myself in the campaign to be a real alternative, as a hard working, dedicated and committed Mayor, which I of course already am so there's a chance I could lose and beat myself.   Bloody hell, four more years of me! I have to win and get me out. 

Blimey what a sodding mess!

For more on this story see Mr Bartle's other article :

And Larry Knee's piece in Liverpool Continental.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Be Nice To Each Other

Advertising Feature

Friday 7 June 2013

Battle rages across the city as dark forces gather causing chaos at Hogwash Town Hall

Jake A Rowing's Harry Plotter, with his magical wand from the Waver Tree
By Jove Missus! Great news for Liverpool, and for Harry Plotter fans.
We all thought that "The Deathly Twitters" was the last in the series but it has just been announced that author Jake A Rowing, is to give us one more chapter with a fight to the death between Harry and Voldemore's niece, Scriptiana. 

The new story, which is still being written, will be filmed in Liverpool,  and sees our young hero Harry, facing the combined menace of the Slithertree clique who have convinced Scriptiana MP (Mystical Princess) that Harry Plotter must be destroyed.
Scriptiana:  "You must be punished Harry, you did not learn the enchantment!"
Armed with a new hypnotic weapon and a secret enchantment with which to control the minds of members as they fly on their broomsticks door to door, they tell the people that Plotter must be eliminated now and offer a new champion to take his place, one who will be possessed with the power of the enchanted script.
Look into my eyes, you don't care if we have no policies but to carry on the Tory cuts..
you will vote for us!
Harry has failed to be inducted into the ways of the secret enchantment and Scriptiana sends a message of complaint to the head of Hogwash, Professor Dumblemayor, with copies to the rest of the lack of faculties. She accuses Harry of not turning up for their weekly Cruddage, and refusing to be a team player. Worse still, she is furious that Harry has not swallowed the magic potion that will make him repeat the enchanted script every time he speaks.

When Harry is faced with the accusations, he appeals to the Great Wiz Ed and sends the message via his faithful owl Twitter, where it is seen by his enemies in Slithertree.
Wiz Ed: I'd write back but I can't find my pen, snort!
But the Great kind Wiz Ed turns a daft ear to his letter as he is too busy promising to help the Financial Wizards by offering sacrifices and to take more money from the poor in the hope that Rupert Warlock, The Sun Wizard, will smile upon him. He hopes that Warlock will instruct his followers to say that, "One day he may be  capable of casting enough suitably meaningless spells to convince people to let him into the Coven of number 10." 

"Ed is not an idiot..Ed is not an for Ed"
So Wiz Ed has no time for anyone claiming to be attacked, not even those he phoned personally to congratulate or rushed to have his portrait painted with. No, Wiz Ed has his own plans of attack to draw up. Plans that he hopes keep the dark forces happy enough to grant him power and wear the great cap of benefits.

Head of Hogwash, Professor DumbleMayor, is forced to step in.
In the meantime, back at Hogwash, Dumblemayor, his one time great friend and protector demands to see Harry, and tells him that he is upset with him for carelessly flying his owl Twitter into nets. He tells Harry that he is clearly in need of rest and should spend a month at the great hall of Bingo until Dumbomayor decides when his number's up. 

But Harry later answers questions about his holiday plans to the great North West Lookers of the Beebee Sea, via their crystal lantern, which serves to increase Dumbstruckmayor's fury. 
Dumblemayor's dilemma: Me lad's let me down. The little.....
"How dare Harry speak out again!" he cries, "these things should be kept within the walls of Hogwash!"

"What do you think our brooms are for, other than sweeping things under the carpet?" 

Appalled that Harry has again spoken publicly, in the interests of keeping everything private, Dumblemayor, issues a public proclamation. In it he promises that the matter will be dealt with internally and fairly without any public reference to either party, adding that "Harry, as a young wizard, has gone mad with the pressure and has let me down by speaking out. He is a cause of great disappointment to me and so I have requested that he is suspended from Hogwash and he may not engage with the villagers of Slithertree.  But now you must excuse me as I am off to a photo opportunity in London with the lovely Scriptiana."

And so begins the great new chapter at Hogwash, with Harry standing alone against the power of the Scriptiana enchantment, with many of his former friends becoming Weasleys. But there is growing revolt amongst the villagers with them voicing their faith in Harry and those who are afraid to speak openly, for now, are rallying to his support.

But now secret messages have been intercepted and published in the Liverpool Deathly Echoes. They show signs of evil talk and attacks against Harry, with wicked ideas being sent to the lovely Scriptiana, promising "he will be sorted" and telling her it will not be long until victory and that she need not worry about others who try to stand in our way.

And so with these revelations, it remains to be seen if she is the real power behind the threat to Harry, or if there are darker forces that have set this up and drawn her into their own private fight with more sinister motives?  And once they have used their accomplice Scriptiana, to try and destroy Harry, will they do the same to her? 


Dark Forces working behind the scenes
Without doubt, the fans and supporters of both Scriptiana and Harry, will be torn between loyalties.

They must wonder if this is just her doing or are others also at work? Whilst it may be the case that she will strike down any fool who accidentally calls her Scriptiola, they will remember that not so long ago, she also fought a brave battle against forces of evil, both inside and outside of Hogwash.  Where people tried to bully her and blacken her name at that time in order to stop her becoming the Mystical Princess. They made many cruel, wicked and unjust comments about her and even hoped her parachute, as they called it, would fail to open. And whatever some initially made of her arrival in the village of Slithertree, they rallied to her support against the bullies.

Could it be that some of those same people who then tried to act against her may still be lurking in the background, that they have entered her magic circle and are helping to shape events? 

In the meantime, the exiled Harry continues his battle, and we await the truth to come out. While many offer him their support, at the same time a great wall of silence has been built, behind which crouch  many members of the so-called Weasley family.

And while those who seek to bring Harry down and accuse him with the crime of speaking publicly against Hogwash, they themselves publicly attempt character assassination in the very same media. 

But nobody seems to mind that and nobody else is suspended, just Harry. We await the arrival of the ducking stool and a fair hearing.

The hapless Villagers of Slithertree may yet decide, once they get the enchanted script delivered to their doorsteps.

For a completely unrelated but similar story, see link below

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye

Be nice to each other.


Wednesday 22 May 2013

What are UKIP's Chances in Liverpool? Didn't we have enough of swivel-eyed loons under the Lib Dem Council? Reggie McCough's student writes exclusively for Chronic Calls

My good friend the renowned local poet and former member of the Scuffles, Reggie McCough, has embraced the ideas of Mr Cameron's Big Society and is currently running a workshop to encourage new writers - or have his benefit stopped.

With the recent controversy over alleged comments by Lord Marty Feldman, one of Reggie's students has put pen to paper in the form of a poem and Reggie passed it on to me.

And so here is the poem by new writer, Hugh Kipp.


Lurking in shadows they watch over you
and quietly foam at the things that you do
Then they tremble and snarl and start pacing their cage,
faces contorted in tight suppressed rage

Then their brains start to steam 'til they burst like balloons
And soon there's an army of Swivel-Eyed Loons

Marching on nowhere they scream and they shout
Don't let them - in keep them all out!
You can't even rest if you want to sit down
with ex Ghurkhas on benches all over town
Yes they fought bravely, that has to be said
But if they're that patriotic, why aren't they dead?

The country's gone mad, it's completely obscene
We'll not lick the stamp of a lesbian Queen
And a real man will take his own life with a gun
before they can force him to marry his son
We must all stand together - refuse to be beaten
Though we rather enjoyed it, while we were at Eton

And what of the vicar and the terrible stress
of marrying two chaps in the same wedding dress?
He's risking eternity trapped in hell's fire
that's on top of the charge that relates to the choir
Even some women have gone the same way
Good God, which one's going to throw the bouquet?

Damned Cameron and Clegg, are both worse than Blair
he just started a war, but these swine dye their hair
They said coalition is similar to marriage
but not if you both have the same undercarriage
Such unnatural behaviour raises the stakes
increasing the risk of violent earthquakes

It's been proven by science that gays are the cause
of volcanoes and landslides and some nil-nil draws
And though the EU is a vast evil state
at least our bananas they tried to keep straight

But that's not enough to be ruled by a kraut
So we're looking to UKIP to take Britain out

We are backing Farage, whom we hope to elect
and we'll stand right behind him, proud and erect
Though it will be hard, of that there's no doubt
we'll push to get in and then we'll pull out.
What they do when we leave is anyone's guess
but we won't come again, they can clean up the mess

And we'll rebuild Great Britain with Mr Farage,
and have tea on the lawn, like the days of the Raj
When we kept things discrete with some trinkets and toys
and a chap could relax with nice Indian boys
We'll have ladies in dresses and men wearing ties
if you vote for the loon with the swivelling eyes.

Hugh Kipp
Age 106

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other

Saturday 20 April 2013

Controversy over "Ceremonial" celebrations around figure still despised in Liverpool

Security mounts amidst threats of protest as Mr Cameron announces "Ceremonial" rather than "State" celebrations for Hitler's Birthday.

Security will be on high alert today, amidst threats to disrupt or stage protests during the procession and ceremony to mark Adolf Hitler’s birthday.

At an estimated cost of over DM10,000,000, for the ceremonial rather than state party, many are upset this money could be better used to buy Tanks and Doodlebugs.

The Gestapo has been monitoring social networking sites, Vogel Phiefen and Gesicht Buch, where there had been threats to disrupt the celebrations and a campaign had been launched to try and get the theme to Dad’s Army to  Number One in the charts. However, a rival campaign has begun to try and get Edelweiss to the number one spot.

In recent days a number of people have been arrested and shot by coalition storm troopers, including a primary school teacher, who wore a t-shirt in the class room, bearing the slogan “Hitler Butter Snatcher”

Mr Hitler’s years in power were regarded as divisive by many countries, but love him or loathe him, everyone admits that he was a commanding presence on the world stage. Nicknamed the Iron Cross Man, by Stalin, he is credited, along with Mussolini, and Hirohito with bringing an end to the peace before the second world war.

However in some parts of the country, there are reports of people engaging in impromptu celebrations and winebars running out of grand cru chardonnay. Some news reports even showed people in a street off Whitehall dancing and singing:
“Addy, Addy, Addy, Heil Heil Heil” 


Not always popular, perhaps the defining moment of turnaround was when Hitler re-took the Sudetan Land and went on to secure successive victories at the bullet box.

He followed a determined political path that was painful for many but felt necessary to secure a thousand years of prosperity.

Many of his supporters say that if he had known the misery caused by the policy of establishing controversial death camps across Europe, that he would have been shocked and indeed he often wrote touching letters to many of the families of the people he murdered saying they were next.

But many agree that, whatever your feelings about his politics, this is now the birthday of an old man and people should be allowed to mark the occasion with dignity and pay respects with a few jars and some cheesy snacks.

St Paul's Cathedral decorated for the party

Prime Minister Mr Kamikazi said it is only extreme right that we should pay this tribute, a sentiment echoed by Chancellor Osborman, who was seen to shed a tear as the choir sang Wagner’s “O du, mein holder Abendstern”     


Captain Klutz

 Since being forced out of power, by those who now line up to sneak in his policies, Mr Hitler had been a sad and lonely figure, suffering long term ill health. Since losing his beloved Eva in a shooting and cyanide accident, he spent his last 10 days almost alone in a small private suite in The Blitz.

Without doubt he was a conviction politician  and on this day, according to the Daily Mail, we remember, not the politics, but the man.

It was perhaps the Bishop of Berlin, while relating a hilarious anecdote about how during one of the Nuremburg Rallies, Hitler tried to have Goering shot for eating all the duck pate, who perhaps reminded us all of the person beneath the uniform.

Guten Tag Everybody Guten Tag
Be shoen to eachother