LARKS WITH THE PARKS

Lofty Ideas

The Mayor of Grotty Cash is a big bloke...

Some people think he's tree fellers.

Well he isn't, he's just one. But some of his mates are.

Like the ones who want to chop down 27 mature trees in a conservation area within Sefton Park to build a so-called executive housing estate.

There is no escaping the fact that the city is in a perilous financial situation as a result of brutal and disproportionate cut imposed by the Conservative-Lib Dem  Coalition. But the Mayor's argument used to justify selling off parts of the city's Victorian park land for short term gain, just doesn't hold water. (unlike the individual £3,500 taps fitted to the sinks in his new offices) 

 

The park land in Sefton Park, Walton Hall Park, Woolton Woods and Calderstones belongs to the people of the city. It is not something an elected mayor should have the right to sell, particularly when we were denied the right to say if we wanted an elected Mayor in the first place.

I have no doubt of the pain the councillors are going through in setting a budget when faced with such an ideological onslaught but the selling off of Park Land does not benefit the city nor the people. It only benefits the developers, who can't wait to get their hands on prime land and who let the acres of brown field sites sit as waste ground.

People are angry about scale of the cuts and often unfairly blame the council, who are in a catch 22 situation. But they also want to hold them to account when they feel strongly about particular issues or  see examples of what they think may be wasted money.

So it doesn't help when anyone questioning the actions of the Mayor or indeed raising any questions seem to be dismissed, shouted down, ridiculed or instantly blocked on social media.

I know he has a lot on his shoulders, and fine pair of shoulders they are. He should show 'em off.

But it's enough to make you want to burst into song.  Sing Lofty.

 

 

 

 

More Here:http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/Culture/VIDEO-Stop-the-Liverpool-green-space-sell-off

 

And here:http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/News-and-Comment/Simon-OBrien-hits-the-road-to-talk-green-spaces

TATTY BYE EVERYBODY, TATTY BYE!

 

Be Nice To Each Other

Hope Street: Liverpool Poet, Reggie McCough Celebrates in verse as it is named Best Street, by The Urban Tarmac Academy. The Mayor is at the palace as Queen hides the biscuits and more Custard Pie-scrapers Announced

By Jove Missus, it's been a great few weeks for Liverpool!

Plans are announced to create a new recreation and leisure area for the city, which will involve a multi million pound project to fill the Mersey with water.  Right next to it, they are planning to build The Leaning Tower Of Custard, which will be the 2nd biggest flypaper in Europe.

All of this is going on in the city, alongside Peel Holdups transformation of the North Docks. And once they track down the 3 main Chinese investors, Hu Aah Yu, Hi Lee Do Chi and Fat Chens, I am really looking forward to 2092 when they hope to lay the first foundation stones.

But on top of all this missus...yes there's more, the city also received two great honours.

The Mayor of Liverpool, is given an IOU at Buckingham Palace. (no sign of the £130m yet)

And the Academy Of Tarmacadamy names HOPE STREET as the best street in the Universe.   

 

And it's the Hope Street award I am celebrating here today. Now for those of you who like me threw up in the city   (Editorial Note: Do you mean "grew up in the city"?) you will remember that Hope Street used to be nothing but a dirt track.

At one end there was the Catholic Cathedral and at the other end, the Protestant one. Just a stones throw from eachother.  Well once they threw enough stones, a lady called Hilary Porridge, gathered them all up and used them to lay pavement down either side.

Some say that created the rise of Hope Street - by about 4 inches.  
Well whoever got it off the ground, this award is recognition of everybody's hard work over the years turning it into the most prestig...prestigou...pres....destprig...one of the finest streets in Europe, and they all deserve to be congratulated. 

So what better way to celebrate, than to call on my old friend, local poet launderette Reggie McCough, from the popular 60s brawling group, "The Scuffles" to write an ode to Hope Street.

 


Reggie McCough
of The Scuffles
Liverpool Poet Laundrette.

Now some of you may know, if you read the article on Liverpool Cumfydentures, that the Urban Tarmac Academy, has it's own poet in residence, Harold MacMillen. Now he knocked something off to mark the award. Well I'm sorry, I read it and I don't know what he's on about. http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/Culture/Architecture/Hope-Street-wins-Great-Street-Award

He's worse than that Nerhys Hughes when she was the Poet Launderette. If you asked Hughes to do a quick Limerick about the Queen Mother choking on a fishbone, or anything for that matter, it would start off something like;

"Dead stoat - his rotting tongue stuck to a frozen nettle. Pecked at by a sadistic lark."

Well this poet Macmillan is a bit like that. Not only does it not rhyme like a proper poem that you get in the Echo from their readers...well sometimes... but he goes on about hanging out the washing in the street!

What the bleedin' hell has a washing line got to do with it?


So here we are, the latest work from Reggie McCough
In celebration of Hope Street.
 

 

Hope Is Where The Harp Is

By Reggie McCough

 

Imagine putting a washing line   (Oh for God's sake!)

Along a busy street

Hanging all your knickers out

with a pillowcase and sheet

 

and the sheet had great big holes in it

like a ghost ship's tattered sails

but the rips were not caused by a storm

It's 'cos Mother won't cut her nails

 

And all along that busy street

on the pavement either side

Artists, and performers

often will collide

 

Actors quoting Shakespeare's line

"Aye there is the rub"

and all colliding once again

when they fall out of the pub.

 

A happy place, a magic street

where no one has a frown

With a theatre and famous Bistro

'til the soft gets knocked it down

 

where people come together

and all roll up their sleeves

But the Masons roll their kecks up

that's what everyone believes.

 

With fine cuisine available

for commoner or toff

But you won't find Tesco sarnies

as they were told sod off.

 

And a gentleman's marble lavatory

the Ladies think quite grand

that's if they're not distracted

by what the bloke's got in his hand

 

There's a Catholic Cathedral

where communion wine is sipped

shaped like a headless Dalek

on top of Lutyen's Crypt

 

There's another at the other end

where the Anglicans all sing

So no chance of Sunday kip

when both their church bells ring

 

And a family friendly festival

that really can't be missed

Not like the one in Matthew Street

where half the crowd are pissed

 

With music and performers

amazing food and stalls

where even Living Statues

don't get kicked in the orchestra stalls

 

And when it comes to music

there is the crowning glory

of an orchestra that's world renowned

The Royal Liverpool Tandoori

 

And with their trombones blowing

an anthem by George Chisholm

The award, I'm sure, they helped secure

from the Academy of Urbanism

 

So now along the washing line

a brand new sheet's unfurled

Proclaiming its official

The best street in the world

 

 

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!

 

Be Nice To Each Other!

 

 

As the city honour Macca with a new sculpture, the Professor examines our obsession with The Fab Fortune - The BTs and asks; Have we been sold a Lemon for a MacCartload of Cash? Liverpool Direct Questions



The I.T. Dog

By Jove Missus, what a beautiful day!

What a beautiful day for running naked into the council chamber, grabbing the Liverpool Direct contract and saying “what’s the chance of a cover-up?" 

What a beautiful day for emptying a pint of milk over the councils interim Chief Executive and saying;

“How’s this for a whitewash?”

What a beautiful day, ha ha, yes, what a beautiful day for wearing a pair of glass underpants and saying..... 

“How’s this for transparent bollocks?”

Yes missus, you’ve guessed it, I’m back to talk about my favourite subject –

No not The Beatles!

I am here to talk about the other Fab Fortune The BTs. It has been a very  poignant week for BTs fans in Grotty Cash.  A week that saw the unveiling of a beautiful new piece of art for the city and a celebration of Peas. (The Professor adopts a slow gravel voice)

“I want some peas missus, get me some peas. I love peas.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this week we honoured one of Grotty Cash’s favourite sons. The Working Cash Hero himself, Macca.

Dr MacAlotamoney

There was a moving ceremonial unveiling of a monument to honour his achievements and of the rich legacy he has left for his retirement – which can’t come soon enough.

The city was honoured by the attendance of Maureen Lipmann herself, dressed as BT with her son Ology. She spoke warmly of the love Macca always had for the amount of cash he could squeeze out of the city and of the fun side to his personality, how in the early days in the back bedroom of Auntie Diddy’s home on Menlove Revenue the walls shook with laughter as they started to create their first big hits:

Please, please Fleece me
LDLeanor Rigs it
Hey Screwed
Doctor Rob It
Eight pay-days a week
The continuing story of Bung a high bill...and
We can’t work it out.

She said she remembered Macca writing the line,

“Yesterday, all the money seemed to come my way, now it looks like more is on the way, if Joe don’t see some sense today”
And with that, she pulled the string stolen from a tramps dog to reveal the beautiful erection on Chavastminster Park, as the crowd roared with laughter. (which unfortunately caused several bits to drop off)
http://condensedthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/10/grotesque-addition-to-grosvenor-pool.html

Monument to Macca and The BTs unveilled

In this same week, it was important to also remember the role played by another man who gave the BTs the opportunity that put them on the road to shame and fortune, the man who under the hypnotic powers of evil impresario Sir Diddy Henchman, made them what they are today, yes missus, the man who couldn’t manage the BTs, Brainless Mike Epstrorey.

Mike Epstrorey The Man who made Macca rich and helped launch the BTs

           

So it was fitting that in the same week Liverpool Directly honoured Macca, that we also held a ceremony to recognise Epstorey’s role in creating the BTs, with the re-naming of a well known derelict theatre building. When deciding how he should be honoured, the current leader of Grotty Cash Joan Sanderson (Doris bloody Yule, to his mates) said the choice of building was obvious.

And so the former Inept-loon Theatre on Hangover Street was re-named  "The Storeyteller."
http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/Entertainment/Theatre-and-Comedy/Neptune-Theatre-changes-name-_15558.asp



New Council Leader Joan Sanderson shows how the Lib Dems almost killed the Liverbird



Zzzzzzzzz!

Local Isle of Man based hack, Roley Joe Riley has already got his flask and duvet ready to sleep through the first performance, when it re-opens next year with a production of Jimmy McCracker’s “Old Chas Cole” This was one of Macca's favourite's he told me.

A free parking concession will be available to all patrons and fellow joggers who attend. The refurbishment of the theatre, when complete, will also see the installation of a disabled shower room for VIPs reflecting Macca’s commitment to a quality opportunity.

Press coverage

Now you would think missus, that with the mood of celebration and festivity in the city, particularly as the unveiling of the Macca sculpture also coincides with what would so far this year have been his 70th Million, that the local press would be joining in the festerings. But no, that would be too much to hope for.
http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/News-and-Comment/General/The-Laz-WordOn-Liverpool-Direct_15422.asp

I don’t know what it is with these miserable bloggers but that young chap from Oldham, Dave Barkalot, who works on the Daily Post, has been publishing all sorts of nonsense about the BTs in the press and on his blog. This has encouraged a whole load of cranks to write in saying that far from being our proudest sons, that the BTs have been given a ticket to take the city for a ride. Liverpool Direct £78 Million, One way Only, no returns available. 

Echo Comment: Kraptonight

As usual, the cranks are hiding behind silly aliases, too scared to come out into the open just because Macca would have them in concrete boots in an Octopuses Garden. How are Dolan and Cosgrove doing on the Ex-Factor? Anybody know?

Barkalot, in his blog, which, following the council cut-backs, is due to be re-named “Dole Street Queues” published a secret report that more or less says the city has been getting ripped–off by £10 million a year overcharge on top of the £78 million we pay the BTs for answering the phone and reading a script from bit of paper. It would have only been £48 Million but the council  had to amend the contract to say that they were required to read it out loud.

Well it’s claimed that this damning judgement, like all the other damning judgements, had been kept from the public, whilst at the same time in a complete volte face, the new administration were negotiating a brand new album possibly called: Revolver Held to the Head or The Whitewash Album or more appropriately HELP! Or The Robber R Souls Album.
http://blogs.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/dalestreetblues/2010/09/the-damning-report-into-liverp.html#more

Well yes, we all know it’s a complete rip-off, the whole BTs industry, The BT’s Experience , The Hard Days Blight Hotel and The Tragical MikeStory Tour. But look at the benefit it has brought to the way we do things in Grotty Cash…er……..well whatever they are, we won’t be able to do them for much longer as we’re skint. And some people are saying that the BTs is part of the reason for it.



LDL Finance Department



So I hope you will all write in to Dole Street Queues, or your local councillor to try and make sure that Uncle Joan, does the right thing and continues to let the BTs bleed us dry. Otherwise what will we do on BT’s day if they take all our phones off us and switch off our computers?  Thank goodness the BTs have banned Barkalots blog from the council. 

Cross Party Meeting to discuss the BTs amidst  fear that Wally Bradlow may be excluded

So at the moment Joe and all the gang are having an all night party review of the BTs contract.



Cllr Bonnie Radford raises a burning issue

 

But at least this means that my old mate from the Libertines, Councillor Bonnie Radford will be there to put some pressure on them. Nobody can keep his gob shut, which in this case, is probably a good thing.

As for the current lot in charge, I know that over the years they have not been big fans of the BTs and many of them said that their contract with the city and the money it was costing was an absolute disgrace.

Well it’s one thing saying you didn’t like the BTs when in opposition, but don’t try and convince us now you have the opportunity to do something about  it that Simon and Garfunkle were better, by constantly playing The Sound Of Silence. I’ll have the Environmental Health after you – it’s deafening!



Dave Clarklett City Head Hitter

 Anyway, Missus, here below is the link to all those moaning comments and miserable bloggers writing in and whining about the truth to Dave Barkalot on his blog page, "Dole Street Queues."

http://blogs.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/dalestreetblues/2010/10/liverpool-direct-limited-ldl--.html

I always said that the Daily Post and Echo was a quality newspaper. Well done, finally somebody there is prepared to try and Oldham to account.

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye !

Be nice to each other.

Duck Billed Platitudes