Wednesday, 22 May 2013

What are UKIP's Chances in Liverpool? Didn't we have enough of swivel-eyed loons under the Lib Dem Council? Reggie McCough's student writes exclusively for Chronic Calls

My good friend the renowned local poet and former member of the Scuffles, Reggie McCough, has embraced the ideas of Mr Cameron's Big Society and is currently running a workshop to encourage new writers - or have his benefit stopped.

With the recent controversy over alleged comments by Lord Marty Feldman, one of Reggie's students has put pen to paper in the form of a poem and Reggie passed it on to me.

And so here is the poem by new writer, Hugh Kipp.


Lurking in shadows they watch over you
and quietly foam at the things that you do
Then they tremble and snarl and start pacing their cage,
faces contorted in tight suppressed rage

Then their brains start to steam 'til they burst like balloons
And soon there's an army of Swivel-Eyed Loons

Marching on nowhere they scream and they shout
Don't let them - in keep them all out!
You can't even rest if you want to sit down
with ex Ghurkhas on benches all over town
Yes they fought bravely, that has to be said
But if they're that patriotic, why aren't they dead?

The country's gone mad, it's completely obscene
We'll not lick the stamp of a lesbian Queen
And a real man will take his own life with a gun
before they can force him to marry his son
We must all stand together - refuse to be beaten
Though we rather enjoyed it, while we were at Eton

And what of the vicar and the terrible stress
of marrying two chaps in the same wedding dress?
He's risking eternity trapped in hell's fire
that's on top of the charge that relates to the choir
Even some women have gone the same way
Good God, which one's going to throw the bouquet?

Damned Cameron and Clegg, are both worse than Blair
he just started a war, but these swine dye their hair
They said coalition is similar to marriage
but not if you both have the same undercarriage
Such unnatural behaviour raises the stakes
increasing the risk of violent earthquakes

It's been proven by science that gays are the cause
of volcanoes and landslides and some nil-nil draws
And though the EU is a vast evil state
at least our bananas they tried to keep straight

But that's not enough to be ruled by a kraut
So we're looking to UKIP to take Britain out

We are backing Farage, whom we hope to elect
and we'll stand right behind him, proud and erect
Though it will be hard, of that there's no doubt
we'll push to get in and then we'll pull out.
What they do when we leave is anyone's guess
but we won't come again, they can clean up the mess

And we'll rebuild Great Britain with Mr Farage,
and have tea on the lawn, like the days of the Raj
When we kept things discrete with some trinkets and toys
and a chap could relax with nice Indian boys
We'll have ladies in dresses and men wearing ties
if you vote for the loon with the swivelling eyes.

Hugh Kipp
Age 106

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other