Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Liverpool, maligned by Tory Blogger Iain Dale, has the world press banging at my door for a reaction.

Top Class Hotels. A shower in every room

Liverpool is the land of my forfathers, well me mother said it was dark in the air raid shelter, so it could have been any one of them. But that means when you attack the city of Liverpool...well I'm not going to stand for it sitting down.

During Labour Conference week, that Iain Dale, who compiles the Complete B*llocks list of the top Political B*llocks in the UK has been up here writing a conference diary.

Well that's what he's supposed to be doing, instead he decided to have a crack at Liverpool.

He does nothing but moan about the city and our most famous hotel. Naturally, the world's media wanted an instant reaction from me. But I agreed only to talk to that bastion of truth, free speech and rissoles with jus, Liverpool Confidential.

You can read the full article here.

I tell you this Mr Dale, you ask anyne from Liverpool about the city, and they'll tell you it's Shangri - La!

The Gazza Strip

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye!

Monday, 18 April 2011

Wally Bradlow: Shock resignation and then suspension of city's beloved son. Clegg cuts lifeline before he strangles himself with it as charges of alleged electoral fraud make headlines. Everyone is to blame. Local Poet Laureate Reggie McCough, writes an odourous ode to mark the sad events.

It's a sad end for Wally Bradlow the former leader of Grotty Cash Council and leader of the Liverpool Lib Dem group.

After resigning in a blaze of glory, of the type to which we have become sadly accustomed, he is then suspended by the party pending investigations into alleged electoral fraud.
Local Poet Laureate Reggie McCough, has marked this sad day with a special ode.

Bye Bye Mr Bradley (Thanks for all the fish)

By Reggie McCough

And so farewell to Warren Bradley

Of common sense, the poor lad had nay,

Stumbling like a donkey, lame

with everyone but him to blame

There were no ears to hear you beg

from the day you passed the blame to Clegg

For you started your doomed expedition

before he joined the coalition

You wanted folk to vote Lib Dem

On a slogan that you’re not like them

A desperate plea in your final hour

While your party keeps the Tories in power

The local government Jewel in the Crown

Was left for scrap when you went down

Now you see the harsh reality

Of Liberal Democrat loyalty

Where the price to pay, as we will see

To secure Clegg’s place in history

Is your beloved party locally

Flushed down the electoral lavatory

Will some people still be fooled

And vote for the likes of Kemp and Gould?

Or your former mentor, now Lord Storey

For underneath they all are Tory

For them it’s all now very neat

For they never would have won a seat

Unless they joined the Lib Dem band

Now with fellow Tories they are hand in hand

The Lib Dem colours shining through

Revealing the dark sides shades of blue

But you piped up to save your skin

And now you’ve done your own self in

For your party planned assassination

before your tawdry resignation

As we listen to your familiar cry

“the charges made, I will deny”

You have now fallen on your sword

Faced with alleged election fraud

And without grace you still cast blame

While we wait to see who signed their name

You were often labelled more daft than bad

Storey’s protégé, his lad gone mad

But now he doesn’t want to know

And you now reap what you did sew

This is a fire you can’t put out

The hose is dry, and you have no clout

You’ve seen that your party now is rotten

And your work in the city will be forgotten

You claim you're being made scapegoat

For Clegg who will cost you every vote

So no honours list for you dear friend

For you began the losing trend

But for all the ridicule that you brought

Perhaps a lesson you’ll be taught

You claimed it was your mistaken passion

When people complained of your bullying fashion

As the decent folk that you drove away

Could have been the friends you need today

But in spite of all this sleaze and strife

Remember that there’s more to life

So go and break the fire bell

Let Clegg and his friends all burn in hell

They all sold out and they told us lies

Farewell Mr Bradley, now dry your eyes.

One more squirt
Well, I am sorry it has ended like this. I think a lot of the time he thought he meant well and maybe sometimes he did. Time to reflect.

It wasn't all his fault by a long chalk and those who probably steered him and then plotted against him are still sitting pretty with their friends in the Tories, cutting your services and trying to destroy your communities.  In the end, he tried...whether it was to save his own neck locally or not, we can never know for certain.  But we can be certain that his party has hung him out to dry. That shows who they count as friends. Cameron and The Conservatives over their own members and supporters.

A Very Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye

be nice to eachother.....and don't vote Lib Dem
The full story in the local press

Monday, 11 April 2011

EXCLUSIVE: LEAKED FIRST DRAFT OF THAT WALLY BRADLOW LETTER. Bradley gives Nick Clogg a piece of his tiny mind and proposes party name change to Liberal Doomed-Rats

One Big Leak
By Jove Missus what a beautiful day, what a beautiful day for standing in a puddle at the greengrocers and saying how's that for an embarrasing leek? 

Yes, missus the big leak story. All here in my personal chronic calls. But, not the doctored one they put out in the press, by Jove no! I have the original transcript of Wally Bradlows suicide note to Deputy Primeminister Nick Nocky Nick Clegg.

As usual, his mam had to tidy it up for him, otherwise it comes across as a lunatic rant from a desperate man. It still does, but the original draft was much tougher, and for that I say hats off to Wally Bradlow.

And so ladies and gentlemen in the interests of hysterical accuracy, I reprint the leak before the leak..or as Ned Sharon used to say to Jack Frost and the Three Ronnies:


Now first  my dear readers....both of you, pay attention. This is the transcript that they hoodwinked the BBC with and that was reprinted in Young Dave Barchesters Chronicles: Dole Street Blues.  The actual link is here:

This is it, what they want you to read. Even then, they get his name wrong! Then below that, is what I believe to be the original draft.

From: Bridley, Warren



Dear Nick and the Parliamentarians,

I have to date kept my frustrations and criticisms based on policy rather than just having a go because I don't want to be in bed with the Tories; unfortunately the boil is about to come to a head and burst (probably on election night) when we lose some very well respected and experienced colleagues from Liverpool City Council. The Labour and Trade Union movement are saturating the streets of Liverpool, even in our heartlands.

Liberalism started in Liverpool (Church Ward) during the late 60's with Sir Trevor Jones and Cyril Carr being the driving force; a ward we have held for many years through thick and thin, sadly this year, because of your actions in Coalition Government, this may not be the case. Never before in 35+ years have I seen the streets of Wavertree snooing with Labour activists, never before have I seen Labour posters in a local election. This is only down to the policies that our Parliamentarians are pursuing in Coalition Government. The position is untenable, Mike Storey having given many decades to the party is extremely vulnerable, and could well fall because of the Parliamentary party.

Many other long serving Councillors could be defeated not because of their record, but because of your record and the perception of what we as Liberal Democrats now are.

I only hope on the 6th May, you will meet with Leaders/Groups/ordinary members and seek their views following a set of results, which if mirrored by our canvass returns will place us back 40 years.

I and many of my colleagues in Liverpool and the North are tired of defending the indefensible, as a party we have to reconsider what and who we are before we disappear into the annuls of history as a political party who promised so much hope, yet failed because they wanted control and power.

This is not a moan because I want to be someone, I deeply care about the party I have campaigned for since its inception, as I did for the Liberals before when I was a little boy, as did both my parents and virtually all my family; Liverpool and the North needs and deserves an alternative to Labour, but at present, after knocking on many doors, all I feel is dejection and upset that the Lib Dems, the party the people trusted implicitly have become like the others and deserted their followers.

I hope you take this in the spirit it is meant, liberal principles have to shine through, we have to be independent and we have to sever ties from the coalition; if we fail to do this, we have only our Parliamentarians to blame.

Yours sincerely

Cllr. Worried Bradley

Leader of the Liberal Democrats

Liverpool City Council

But now ladies and gentlemen, sent to me by one of my agents in the field, and up to their knees in it, is the original draft version, before his mam re-wrote it and made him stand in the corner.

I think you will agree, that Wally should be applauded for his strong stance and courageous outspoken views.  This is the version they didn't want you to see!

From: Wally Bradlow,



Dear Dick and the Parlymentrians,

I have to date, what date is it by the way? I mean you only have to look at where we were 10 years ago…where were we?

I have kept my flustrations and crittisisms based on policy rather than just having a go because I don't want to be in bed with the Tories; not since I met this bird on Facebook, and just for the record, somebody else stuck that photo in her album, and that wasn’t me either and you can quote me on that unanimously, in fact never mind unanimous, you can use my real name.
Unfortunately at the moment my head looks like a boil about to burst
(probably on election night) when we lose some very well respected and experienced colleagues from Liverpool City Council. No names spring to mind but ….obviously not Eldridge, Twiggler, Kamp, Turnip or Fieldung.....
And deffo not my mate Hursty…he was an innocent man, and I know cos it was…er  I mean….just cos he got caught red handed found guilty and lost his appeal, doesn’t mean he is innocent until proven guilty and I stand on that basic principal of habeus caught-us and Magnum Carton.

The Labour and Trade Union movement are saturating the streets of Liverpool, even in the warzones…I mean heartlands.

Liberalism started in Liverpool (Church Ward) during the late 1860's with Sir Trevor Jones driving door to door in Cyril’s Car. I still use it when I am out campaigning.

It's a ward we have held for many years through thick and thin. Just ask Councillor Klemp about thick and thin: he says he’s thin and I’m….. though sadly this year, because of your actions in Coalition and many other towns, this may not be the case.

Never before in 350+ years have I seen the streets of Wavertree snooing…err snookering...snoodling …what’s the friggin’ word I am looking for?  Basically, there’s loads of Labour activists everywhere, and never before have I seen Labour posters in a local election that I haven’t drawn specs and a tash on before running away….not that it was me, it was Stev… we would never do that.....

Enough of this yah boo politics, that's my mantravani. That's just the kind of behaviour what has driven this city into the ground that we sold dirt cheap to a load of speculators. Remember  it was under this Liberal Democrat administration that we transfused the city skyscrape, bringing many to tears. And joy to Sir Top-up Jones. 

The people of Liverpool, remember our hard work and the way we managed the city, which is why we got kicked out last May. What do you think's gonna happen this May??? Eh?  Eh?

This situation we now face, is one of being flushed down the pan, and this is only down to the policies that our Parlymentrians are pursuing in Coalition Government.

Thanks to you Dave, and you all jumping into bed with Nick Cameron and Thatcher's Liberals, the position is untenable, and even the most unpalatable Mike Storey, having given many decades to the party is extremely vulnerable, and could well fall because of all the Peroni he’s been drinking at my house. Except that we never met at my house and didn’t talk about getting rid of people, or sending texts that we haven’t sent. That's if we ever met in the first place…I've never even heard of him. Besides, Mike is a Duchess now, the nobbled Baron Of Chilblains. So he can get the Knights of Cammelairds on to you if you try and dredge all that up again. Anyway the standards board said I was just an idiot and ignorance of the law is nine tenths, so you can’t touch me for that one.
Lord Mike Strawhair sees dark days ahead for Liverpool Lib Dems

I only hope on the 6th May the day after the elections, (note to self take that friggin’ huge poster down from Garmoyle Road saying the election is on the 6th or everyone will go out to vote a day late… wait.... since they won’t be voting for us anyway, leave it up so they won’t vote for Labour either) See that’s the kind of strategums mind set you have to have at the butt and thrust of local politics!
Many other self serving Councillors could be defeated, not because of their record, but because of your record and the perception of what we as Liberal Democrats now are. Why did you have to let them find out? Nickhead!
Where was I ? Oh yes, Mick, I hope that on May 6th you will meet with Leaders/Groups/ordinary members and seek their views following a set of results, which if mirrored by our canvass returns will place us back 400 years, which is a long time in politics.
I and many of my colleagues in Liverpool and the North are tired of defending the indefensible. And now, since you joined the coalition, it’s even worse! As a party we have to reconsider what and who we are before we disappear up the annus of history as a political party. We promised so much hope, yet failed because you wanted control and power. A bit like like we did in Liverpool.

This is not a moan because I want to be someone, I gave up hope on that years ago. I deeply care about the party I have campaigned for since its deception, just as I did for the Liberals before, when I was a little boy, with a cheap toy fire engine and dropping clangers every few yards.

Both my parents, the dog Trevor, the budgie and virtually all my family cared deeply about the Liberal value.

Boy George knew my father, as the song goes, and in our case it’s true and this helped us to secure Capital of Culture Club 2008, which was perhaps the greatest feather in my brains behind the scenes.

(Note to my agent: Don't use a photo with that bastard Jasper Harbottle)

Liverpool and the North needs and deserves an alternative, but at present, after knocking on many doors, including my own, (but she won’t let me back in) and not putting any fake leaflets through the letterbox, as that was never proved, except in court, all I feel is dejection and upset that the Lib Dems, the party the people trusted implicitly have become like the others and deserted their followers. Obviously not as fast as the followers are deserting us.

I hope you take this in the spirit it is meant, you twat! Liberal principles have to shine through, and this election should polish us off for good.

We may have to join the independents and we have to sever ties from the coalition; if we fail to do this, we have only our Parliamentrians to blame. And I shall be blameless in this as I always am.

I would ask that this letter is not leaked in the usual way, unless I have already pressed send to everyone, or it may look like I am desperate to show the people of Liverpool that we are not shits like you. But either way, come May 6th, our blood will be on your hands!

Can I finish by saying that this City has a proud history going back four million years, and is mentioned by King John’s Ambulance in The Doomsday Book.

Well thanks to you, Clegg, come May 5th, we’ll get another friggin’ mention!

Yours sincerely
Cllr. Wally Bradlow
Leader of the Liberal Doomedrats
Liverpool Grotty Cash Council
Ay....lookkk it's L pool Lar!

Well ladies and gentlemen, there has been no official response as yet from Nick Clegg, but many people think that his expression on receiving the email, conveyed exactly what he thought of Wally Bradlows opinions. I couldn't catch his exact words on the news but I think it was something to do with a banker.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Be nice to each other

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Professor Rednose gets in a spin as city withdraws from High Society. Cuts fall-out threatens his future peerage so the air and the Rednose turns blue !

Professor Phyllis Redfern
By Jove Missus, one for the lads this time, remember when we all used to be glued to the telly, seeing what he was wearing tonight and how high the split went, well re-live those days, he is back again. The gorgeous “give us a twirl” Professor Phyllis Redfern. (Nee Stein) is back in the headlines to promote his great new project: Phyllis Redfern.

Have you heard?

Many will remember him from the Remuneration Game, with the famous conveyor belt of cash flowing into the gutter or into the bank accounts of hopeless carpetbaggers. This was during his stint as Custard Supremo and Captain of Claptrap 2008, where he came to sudden prominence after doing nothing for five years and then seized the opportunity to cash in on other peoples work at the last minute.

Largely thanks to promotion and spin by the Echo, he became the face of 2008 and amazingly, people still came. He is still as lovely as ever. The beautiful flowing hair still magnificent, if now somewhat grey. The smile is equally the same, like a loose donner kebab.
That winning smile
In spite of his claim to be a Labour sympathiser, the bastards didn’t give him the knighthood he was expecting and so Phyllis, always one to seek out new opportunities, has recently been linked to a controversial ménage et twats with Prime minister David Camouflage and his coagulation deputy, Nasty Nick Clot, from the sudden reality show, “Big Liar”
Lord Fat Arse of Picklepocket

It's in the Czars
A couple of months ago he invited David to Grotty Cash to launch their exciting new project “The High Society” an exciting con-cept whereby some very rich people steal as much as they can from local councils, ordinary working people and the poor, then throw thousands on the dole and get them to sweep the streets, clean public toilets and run the services, for which we pay council tax, for nothing. You don't actually lose your job, you can come back and do it for free!

Now when the big con plan for The High Society was launched, despite a few sceptics (450,000 locally) Phyllis was riding high on his ego. Once again somebody thick enough to think that he speaks on behalf of the city was ready to elevate him to the position of High Society Czar. “ Yes I had some critics,” said Phyllis “even from one of my former stars of Brooooockhie, Jimmy Corkhill, as played by Dean Sillyman. I said you’re just jealous because you wanted to be a Czar Dean”

Three hours of laughter and repetition of this example of scouse wit followed as it was repeated to every media outlet that didn’t hang up on hearing his name.

But even Jimmy thought the cuts were too savage. He had been around during the cruel crazy cuts during the 1980s. Why should his beloved Brookie go through this again...why Billy, why?

Great promises followed from Phyllis. “The new museum could be run by crack heads rather than crackpots, like David Flamingo, and staffed by the elderly residents of the first care home to fall victim to the cuts. There is no need for any paid staff, the Homeless can run the libraries, half the bastards sit in there to get warm all day, so why not put them in charge? Gets them off the streets. And do we really need so many leisure centres in this day and age? Most people I know have their own indoor heated pool, sauna and gym”

French Champaigne, good for the brain

Sounded great to Dave and Nick The Liar, and some people on the council were ready to buy into it too. But then it all seemed to go horribly wrong as suddenly Grotty Cash was presented with the worst cuts since Herbert spilled Botox in the coffee maker.

Suddenly it seemed impossible, unworkable. The scale of cuts meant that at least 1,500 council jobs must go and vital front-line services would be decimated.
Local Grants Slashed
There was no choice. How could the High Society be taken seriously when it was about to put 1,500 potentially in need of many of the services they worked in? It was not just those individuals, but also the cascade effect on the vulnerable that rely on the services, the communities and the whole infrastructure of the city. This was going to be worse than the 1980’s

Tough choices for Liverpool Council Leader
So why not set an illegal budget some said, like we did in the 80s  and have the city run directly by government commissioners? Give them the stereotype they are looking for. 

Well they didn’t need to, because the moment the leader of the Grotty Cash council said the High Society is a con in the face of such brutal cuts that would destroy much of the voluntary work already going on  and therefore the city is withdrawing from the project, that was the first line of attack from Jabba The Pickle, who is minister for local government and the communities.

"Mr Hatton has cut services for political motives." he said.
"He’ll be hiring Taxis next!"
The Days of Degsy This time next year we'll still  be millions less

The fat must be trimmed, says Pickles, start with your neck mate!
Phyllis joined in the chorus for a bit, saying to Dave, "you let me down lads, it stalled and the cuts are undermining it." Unfortunately for Professor Redfern, it was the leader of the council that got invited onto the news programmes and featured in the national press about his decision to withdraw from the programme. "We never bleedin’ joined it in the first place!" said the clearly angry council leader. "It was that self promoting soft shite who invited them here!"  

Collide with Czars
The scale of the cuts imposed upon the city even prompted Phyllis Redfern to make a further desperate statement: “It has become derailed, he said, the cuts are undermining the High Society and risking my role as Czar! This is not the way it was outlined to me, there’s been no action and I haven’t been on telly for a month, what are you Tory bastards playing at?”

Phyllis, could see his position as Czar and his future Peerage, or a shot at Mayor slipping from his fingers and the council wasn't helping. 

“Who does he think he is?" Blasted the Professor of 2nd rate soap. "What gives him the right to speak for the city? Just ‘cos he won an election, how does that make him more important than me?”

Sad Face
There was only one thing for it, tt was time to make a stand under his new slogan “We The People” (Of Frodsham presumably)

So with one of those amazing twirls, he perfected, Phyllis sets about rubbishing the Labour council to the Tory Press and the delight of Pickles and David Camouflage, by joining in the attacks on the city leaders and the Tories trying to hark back to the days of Militant.

He said “We are better off without the council, now I can lead my people to the promised land, stopping off at Poundland to get their shopping, well they won’t be able to afford to go to Liverpool One!..."

"..It’s just like in 2008 when the council made a mess of it and the commissioner raised the Twat Signal and I had to come and rescue the whole Capital Of Custard programme.”
Leaders during the Custard year. It was Yellow and Thick
“If it wasn’t for me getting Ringo on the roof at three times the original cost, and being too late to cancel the giant spider, as I wanted, it could have been a disaster. Well now we the people will take control and the council can do one!"

"Wait 'til I’m Mayor, as Jeffrey Archer once said. "

Well did you ever?
In a statement to the Exchange and Mart, Professor Rednose said today:  “All these councils can think about is having no money to deliver vital services and having to close down everything that is part of the very backbone of a civilised community, either that or they are whinging about making thousands of staff redundant, and wrecking their lives. They are too focussed on that to see the bigger picture of what the High Society can still offer me, and they are only looking at the negatives."
Redundant Coppers queue for free handout
at Big Society Soup Kitchen
"Each one of those sacked council workers will now have the time to polish my desk or get the coffee and a nice cake for my missus when we are chairing the National Museums meeting. (We are still trying to figure out how we wasted £75 million on that X crap at the Pier head. It was supposed to be part financed by building the black coffins!)  

"So instead of these people working for the council, listening to a load of moaning gets going on about the bin collection, they can empty my bin as a volunteer. They know I am one of them because: We the people, is what made the city."

"I gave them Brookie and Holly Oakes, that’s all they ever wanted and that’s why they will listen to any old shite I come out with. There’ always some knob-head who’ll listen to me, to get their gobs in the paper isn’t that right Flemmo?”

Brookside closed due to cuts

So there we have it ladies and gentlemen, no Tory MPs in the city but then they don’t need them now. They have Professor Turncoat to deliver the cruellest lie ever to be devised by a cynical, calculating wretched group of multi-millionaire arse lickers to the banks and financiers.

As they continue to claim allowances for their second and third homes, jet around the world, watch the money fall into their accounts from their other multi million pound business interests or the massive inheritance they are due, they will watch you lose your job, your home and your local services to guarantee continued huge profits and obscene bonuses for the very people who caused the deficit.

And you can volunteer to sweep the streets for them when they visit. Professor Redmond is in charge of the brushes. He should use one on his bleeding hair. Keep at it Rednose maybe the Tories will give you your Peerage.

Thank goodness we have people like the Professor, so important,  that without anybody asking and no mandate from anyone, he feels duty bound and is prepared to step in, and lead us.

We the people, salute you.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other
P.S. Of course there is one thing the council could do to lessen the impact of the cuts, sort out the rip-off that is costing us £78 million a year and that has been shown to have been overcharging by £10 million a year. How many years at £10 Million? Why do we need Liverpool Direct if it’s only to tell people the service no longer exists. Well I couldn’t leave it without mentioning that could I, nobody else on the council seems to want to mention it.