Wednesday, 17 November 2010

By the Pricking of my thumb, the board of Governors must be dumb. Controversy as a Diddy disagreement emerges over appointment of new chair. Nightmare on Elf Street part 92 Diddy's Back

By Jove Missus, a new controversy has arisen for our beloved city, this time within the field of health. Well if you walk through a field you are bound to step into something unpleasant. I always thought the point of the health service was to make you feel better; well something’s just happened that’s made a lot of people sick.

The other day I read in Mr Bartram’s Ye Oldham Gazetteer Blog site “Dole Street Queues” that one of our long lost sons is possibly returning to the city. Blimey, it can’t be who I’m thinking of, it cost us a fortune to lose him the first time and now some idiots are trying to bring him back again. Give him even more of our money?

What am I talking about,  you ask, and not for the first time. Well, as you may know, there is a small building hidden in the grounds of Oldham Hey Hospital that I like to hop over to several times a month. It’s the “Knotty Ash Corns Clinic” or KACC. I am actually the patron of the clinic.


You have probably seen me on here many times talking about KACC. Well this time it’s a big one, with a lot of tensions and strains behind closed doors. You see a little object has re-emerged ladies and gents. You may have thought it had gone away but then up it pops again floating around causing great dismay like a bad spent penny. And by Jove, we spent a few trying to get rid of it last time.

Yes Missus, it’s the astonishing announcement by the Corn Clinics board of governors to appoint Sir David Haemorrhoid as the new chair. Honestly, they have, Sir Diddy! They want to give the job to that little pain in the…are they mad, have they lost the pot?

Sir Diddy whilst at Grotty Cash Council - Back Again ?
What’s he need another chair for, what’s wrong with the little stool?

I’m proposing to table a motion to The Regional Wealth Authority before it’s scrapped…oh that’s him as well. That should tell you enough, all he did there was made a funny film about obesity. Did you see it? I don’t know if that was really him or a pillowcase stuffed full of mince. Deliberately fluffing his lines, hoping to get £200 quid for it from You’ve Been Framed. Unfortunately it was considered too scary for the early evening slot.

But that’s it, when the Wealth Authority is scrapped he’ll be after yet another wage packet. How many is that? I thought we had already paid him the over £330 grand figure that he was demanding to clear off out of the city. Wasn’t that enough?

You see, you should never pay them off, they always come back for more.

 Who keeps inviting him back? Wake up and smell the coffers, as the Yanks say. He fills his own first. He’s supposed to have retired, hasn't he? That’s why before he left he was tearing round phoning the Echo, screaming and stamping his little feet threatening everyone over his pension.

Remember that Rolf Harris song?

“I want My Money Waaah ha ha haaa!”

It sounded just like that. He’s a one man PFI.

He made former leader of Grotty Cash, poor Mike Tory, appear a laughing stock. Well okay, you can’t credit him with that. Even Wally Bradlow, who took over, in what was his finest hour, he might have been a bit daft sometimes, but not daft enough to let him stay on. Church bells rang out, the day he went. And thanks to him and the crew he drafted in, the money nearly ran out too.

Friends in low places that’s what this smacks of. They say he was interviewed but I read a comment on the Echo site that he allegedly came third however “it was felt his connections helped make him the choice” What does that mean, did he have your knackers connected to a car battery until you said yes? Who were the other candidates then? King Herod? Typhoid Mary?

Diddy Fail or was he pushed?

You only have to look back at his track record. There’s about 20 tons of it still rusting after the Line One Tram debacle.

Now as fellow corn sufferers will know, this ridiculous appointment has come when we are right in the middle of the clinic’s £47.50 refurbishment, and my Project Manager, who has been an inspiration to the whole programme, and even chosen the paint, (Cornfield) has walked out in absolute disgust following this lunatic announcement. His brushes are still in a bucket of turps in the shed. Well I don’t blame him, if it wasn’t for my corns, I’d put my foot down too.

What can we do to prevent this? We can’t organise a protest march, not with most of the people using the clinic. Can you imagine it?

“Diddy-Diddy-Diddy, Out, Out, Owww, me corns!

Now according to the clinic’s motto, which is an old American Indian proverb

"Never judge a man until you’ve walked in his orthopaedic shoes"

as the Moccasins used to say. Well not in this case, not with my feet,  I’d never get into a pair of his size 5 Pathfinders. Although I am envious of the little compass in them which points to Magnetic Nat West.

Yes, it’s all right for him in his Cuban heels, marching from one pay packet to another. Mind you, he has to wear the heels; it saves taking a stepladder out to the cash point every half an hour to check his bank balance. Tell him he won’t need the heels and just give him the boot. (again)

He may indeed be well heeled, but in my opinion he has no sole. I really couldn’t think of anyone less suited to a job that relies on good PR and high profile friendly engagement with the public.

“But he turned the council around” they say.

What? You mean like as in “Turn around this is a stick up!” holding a gun to their backs before legging it with as much money as his little legs could carry.

“Ahh yes but he has great connections” they tell us.

Yes an umbilical cord to his bank manager.

For heaven sake, just plough back through the headlines and look at the kind of publicity that he brings. Have a look at the opinions of the people who matter, and the opinions of the public. Look at the on-line comments from readers of the Post & Echo.

Look at his major achievements last time he was here. Decimation of front line jobs while overseeing huge fat-cat pay increases for him and his mates. Cost us a fortune to get rid of most of them. Just have a look. Left us with the finances that would hardly cover the running of a corner shop. Is that what’s needed?

Are you going to set up Corns Direct with BT? That will soak up any funds you try and raise. How about a million pound training programme “The Alder Way” It’s okay, you can abandon it after a year, you wont have to go on it.

And what is he saying to try and convince us that he’s Father Christmas come early, a short-arse Hairy Poppins, wanting to prove his life long connection and devotion to the place? Well he says he was treated there when he was little. When was that a fortnight ago? Did he have to have his chin removed due to an in-growing toenail?

Or was it in the very early days when he was inspired by the treatment he received – leeches.

Other Candidates for the post

Now I’m not a particular fan of J. F. Kennedy, nothing against her either, and to give her credit, she stood firm during the last Cuban Heel Crisis, when she heard the bray of pigs diving into the NHS trough, but I’ve heard she was a possible candidate for this job.

So, a former Minister of State for Health up against a former glorified Pen Pusher, who only cares about his state of wealth? And the job goes to…. yes, the man with the biro? I don’t know if she was right for the job but if it all came down to connections, surely there are a few better connections to be gained by appointing somebody like Kennedy, or was there an assassin from the grassy Knowsley calling the shots? I hope none of them selecting him were previously selected by him for their current roles.

Next thing you know, they’ll be erecting a little statue of him in the grounds. Well if they do, I’ll nick the fishing rod and kick over the toadstool.

This is a public relations disaster as far as I and many people in the city are concerned. Do they seriously expect us to believe that the pool of talent in the region is so dried up that they have to dredge it to this level?

The governors need to think again and everyone connected to or who supports the place should write to them, the local papers, the websites, their councillors and their MPs. Tell them what you think. Call Roger Fillets or better still, Pete Price. While we are at it, ask to see the records of the candidates and interviews. Who exactly is on the panel that made this decision and more importantly, what medication are they on?

 Remember this could cause very bad publicity, the Corn Clinic is right next door to our proud, famous and much loved children’s hospital. You can’t dump toxic waste on a site like that.

Blimey, I thought we had problems with the Corn Clinic, I've just seen this look at what's happening next door to us

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

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