Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Liverpool Resignation Crisis: Mayor to Stand Down in order to stand against himself as Mayor in 2015. Professor Chucklebutty is asked to write for Dale Street Associates and spills his beans on the big story

In a sensational development the Mayor of Grotty Cash, Jake Anderson, has announced he is to quit New Conservatives and stand against himself as Mayor in the 2015 election.

Since he publicly attacked Ed Cameron and said he is ashamed to be a member of the party for their stance on refusing to repeal the pasty tax, he was suspended at the request of the leader of the local party, Luciona Parachute who accused him of "Having principals and knocking on doors without learning his lines, which risked ruining the whole pantomime." 

Oh no she didn't.....Oh yes she did.
Happier times surrounded by Lucy and staff from Burger King on Election night 2010
In his resignation statement Mr Manderson, said;

"By Jove Missus, since I publicly exposed the bullying of the poor by Ed Cameron and his outright refusal to reverse the cuts, I have asked myself - what do I tell people on the doorsteps?  Other than, sorry, I've cracked your doorstep. 

If we believe something is immoral and wrong then we should have the courage to oppose it and commit to scrapping it. Like I used to say about Liverpool Direct.

Yes Missus, it's sink or swim time in Liverpool. Especially if you were on the Duck Tour.

I was born in Grotty Cash but I am currently living under a tarpaulin on Sefton Park Meadows where I spend my days counting the people walking their dogs and post the results on Twitter. 
I may as well, my emails leak more than the tarpaulin.

Sefton Park meadows where Joe want to bulldoze these children 

I joined the Labour Party because I was drunk one night and woke up with a tattoo of Margaret Beckett on my left buttock and Shirley Williams on the other. Then she joined the gang of four and I ran out of buttocks.  Thankfully Tony Blair changed all that and I quickly found myself in his New Conservatives Party.

For the last two years, since becoming Mayor, I have worked to have several hundred lunch saving bicycles installed across the city, to allow people who do not have access to Greggs or Sayers to quickly get across town to their nearest outlet.   And this work has been recognised by no less than Ed Cameron himself, who in 2012 commended me in a speech to the Young Bakers and Sausage Knotters Conference for my services to the pastry.

Since the problems I have been facing with leader Ed Cameron emerged, the people of Grotty Cash have overwhelmingly asked well why are you implementing the cuts then? Why don't you stop giving 60 odd million a year to Liverpool Direct?

Well I have searched for an answer as to why don't we get any of the money from the joint venture, why we pay them all that money and have no idea what they actually do. I even asked Liverpool Direct for an answer but they just sent me a bill for £20k for asking the question.
I said why do you want £20k before you'll tell me what you do? They said that's commercially sensitive. Then I remembered I have to pay them that every time, which is why I had to stop asking. Money talks and at those prices I can't afford to talk to them too often.
But this, ladies and gentlemen, has inspired me to make the following announcement.  
As a working class lad from Liverpool, who is determined to do what I want, and ignore everyone (apart from Frank Downtown and Mr Holdings from Peel) I have decided to announce today that I will be standing against myself in the election for Mayor in 2015. Quite frankly I have had enough of me and standing against myself is the only option. It's the only way to get me out and replace me with me.

I am not afraid to stand up against myself when I am wrong. And I think I am right to do so. It would be wrong not to stand up for what's right. Even when it's me. And by doing what's right, I will right the wrongs of a party that has shifted to the right, which is wrong, and put things right. That is the clear message I have for the people of the city. 

I have a record of complaining against things such as World Heritage Status and people who moan about me trying to flog off bits of the park for luxury houses and I am happy to ignore petitions. Well I intend to put a stop to myself and stand up for what they believe in, which is me.

I will be a real voice for the people of Grotty Cash, displaying strong opposition to any immoral land sell-offs that are put forward by me, and against the wicked silence from our Tory leader, Ed Cameron, who taxes our patience and credibility by refusing to draw the bedroom curtains.
Miliband keeping any promises to restore Tory cuts under his hat
I whole heartedly believed that I belonged on the board of Liverpool Direct, and that I would feel at home as a member and as friend of BT. Sadly this has not turned out to be the case.

I don't need a script to ignore members of the public. If people come to me with issues, I just tell them straight. You're all wrong. You've been duped. Look at the plans. The Yellow Duck was never part of the Albert Dock! 

I am not anti-Labour, I am principled, and believe I can do a better job as the Mayor than the current Mayor, which is me. And that's why I have decided to oppose myself. I said OPPOSE Missus! By Jove yes! They can't touch you for it!  

I have even had backing from former leader of Grotty Cash Council, Lord Short Storey who sent me a bottle of 5 year old Peroni which made me want to vomit.

I would eventually like to return to a Labour Party that welcomes freedom of expression, as long as I agree with it. The Labour Party should be there to stick up for people who need a helping hand and not stick two fingers up instead. Although Ed Balls will not at this stage commit to the number of fingers he is prepared to stick up under a Labour Government. He says he would have to judge it by the circumstances at the time. But he can guarantee that anyone cruelly affected by the coalition cuts can expect the Labour leadership to at least stick up one finger
Labour leadership's message to those hit by attacks on benefits
People need a real alternative to me and I am that alternative.

Thus I am with immediate effect resigning as a member of the New Conservative Party. I will serve out the rest of my term as Mayor Of Grotty Cash as an independent, and I look forward to defeating myself in the campaign to be a real alternative, as a hard working, dedicated and committed Mayor, which I of course already am so there's a chance I could lose and beat myself.   Bloody hell, four more years of me! I have to win and get me out. 

Blimey what a sodding mess!

For more on this story see Mr Bartle's other article :


And Larry Knee's piece in Liverpool Continental.


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  1. A lone seeker of the truth is among us, he sits hunched over his keyboard at four in the morning, burning the midnight oil to bring us this information, selfless, fearless, shirtless and shiftless.
    I salute him.

    1. I am reliably informed that Mr Bartlett keeps his vest on.