Thursday, 16 July 2009

Terminal Architecture at World Heretic Site, Rednose Gingerbench arrives, Bronzed-Off at Lime St, Penguins Revolt and the Mayor is Bugged

The Award Winning New Ferry Terminal Pier Head Liverpool

By Jove Missus, what’s wrong with the people of this city? I have just been down to look at the developments at Mann Island and the Pier head everyone is moaning about and I think they are amazing! Have you seen what’s being built down there? The new ferry terminal is positively breathtaking in the boldness of its design. A triumph of modern architecture, unlike anything seen before or hopefully ever again.

I can’t see why some people don’t like the new terminal; they obviously weren’t fans of the Flintstones. I thought I’d strolled right into Bedrock. The Architects Yabba, Dabba and Doyouthinkwecangetawaywiththisrubbish, have provided the Pier Head with a building that genuinely compliments the rest of the misshapen slabs that now pollute our World Horror Stage Site, and why not? We can’t keep living in the past! The so-called Three Grocers have become a cliché, it’s about time we hid the damned things from view. Either that or just knock ‘em down for car parking.

It’s not often I agree with the soon to be ex-leader of the Silly Console, Wally Bradlow, but this time he is spot on. Answering the criticisms of a certain Mr Bruce Wayne who writes the blog, Grotty Cash Preservatives, Wally hit back by saying:

“ Er..Salisbury City Council came in for the same criticisms 3 million years ago when they built Stone Minge and look at it now, when that’s finished it’s going to be amazing. I am sick and tired of these theodolites that are against anything modern and incredibly ugly. We want to make Liverpool into a European perineum vibrating city and I am unanimous along with everybody else on that one. I mean look Roger, you only have to look at where we were 10 years ago….where were we Steve? What do you mean we were standing by the printer? No not that! Anyway we weren’t, you did that on your own remember, except that you are innocent…stop going on about it will yer? ”

On the subject of great architecture missus, which we weren’t, there is good news for the Duke Of Westphalia, he’s managed to flog 46 mini-labs in the Wigan technical college on the front of the Grotty Cash One Shopping development.

So that’s only another 300 or so to off-load. I’ll bet the Grossvenal group is regretting sneaking in all those extra floors now. Now some people have even criticised this fantastic achievement. If we are talking about preserving our culture and historical legacy, what better way than to re-create the past by selling off a huge chunk of the city to a Feudal Lord? Yes that’s right missus, when you pop into the shops for your washing up powder, you are now officially a serf buying Surf. Typical of Grotty Cash to let this happen. What do you expect when we are run by a bunch of fiefing Vassals.


And on the subject of shopping, great news if you want to take the weight off your corns. The Bench for Liverpool 08 has finally been produced! And do you know what? The thing is rather nice – I like it.. Alright it’s a bit like a cadaverous Gingerbread man being carried away for burial by little diddy gingerbread men but then so is Professor Rednose, who came up with the idea for competition. It is a just a shame that within ten minutes of it going on display, some rude graffiti vandal, probably SouthBanksy or whatever he’s called, had to draw a gentleman’s thingy on it, you know missus, a Wally. What does that say to everyone about our year as COC?

But very well done to the gentleman who submitted the winning entry it. It really is a charming and simple design.
Now speaking of art, it’s about time I went public on this. Lime Street Station! I’ve kept quiet so far but now every time I see it and the crowds of people laughing at it and then pointing at me…well I have had enough. I knew after seeing the statues of John and Dudley Moores who founded Diddywood’s Pools had been made to look like Ed the Duck and Dr Crippen that i shouldn't get too excited. Then we got the two Bishops of Liverpool, Archbishop Deryck Guyler and Dr Alan Sheppard, the first Bishop to play cricket on the Moon or something, and they looked like they had both fallen into a skip full of wet cement, I thought this may not be the honour I was hoping for. So my expectations were not high which was just as well when I saw what our local sculptor, Tom Mersey, had knocked up in his shed.

It looks like David Jacobs on crack! Like I am hallucinating over a giant corn on the cob. And have you seen the crotch of my trousers? I am a renowned Operatic Tenor. If I wore them I’d be castrato in no time. Far too tight for knotting sausages!

They’d certainly help me to release Tears.
And what has Aunt Bessie got to do with Liverpool – running up to me with one of her home-made dumplings?

No I’m sorry mate, they did a lovely statue of Eric Sykes in Morcambe, doing his trademark dance at the end of he show (pictured below) but I’ve ended up with this thing.

What do you thing of it so far...?

I like the one of Barry Fury but look at the hair on the one of me, or huuurr ..huurrrr, as we say it in Liverpool, if you couldn’t do it properly, why didn’t you do me in me big hat and fur.....fuuuur…..fuuuuuur, coat?
You could have had me banging me drum at 3 o’clock in the morning trying to find out what time it is. Instead I’ve got a lift and separate suit, a meringue on me head and a giant shrivelled salami in my hand!

The only decent one he’s done, as far as I can see, is the statue they have in Croxteth to celebrate a local political figure. It's called “The Fat Defector” although, I can’t see it lasting beyond next year as he couldn’t afford enough bronze and had to use pastry.

Thank goodness there is still the statue of me in Grotty Cash Village, a much better likeness, one that reveals the real me, as I was in my younger days. Mind you missus, even that is a bit out of proportion – look at the size of my tickling stick!

Young Chucklebutty leaning on his tickling stick tree


Now missus, sticking with the art theme, you will all recall the great success of last years “Let’s go for Lambanana Supper”

Perhaps the biggest and popular ongoing event of 2008. A daft statue that the council had ignored and shunted around for nearly nine years. The quirky design and comment about genetic engineering and agriculture. The Superlambanana.

As you may recall, I commissioned my good friend and Liverpool limerick writer Reggie McCough to compose a Lambanana ode for the pages of Liverpool Continental in celebration of our little friend being saved….sort of. Here it is to read, if you link on this click

Well how could we top that? How could we come up with something as odd and unique that would capture the imagination of the city? Well we couldn’t so we are going to shove a load of penguins everywhere and order kids in schools to decorate them or get expelled.

Stop the Lib-Dums getting rid of our Lollipop patrols. Penguins against Pelican crossings!

It’s odd that the Glib Dummercrats should go for this idea, given the fight they had with the p-p-p-penguins over secondary p-p-p-picketing when they tried to sack all the Lollipop patrols and force children to use cheap labour Pelican Crossings. Of course they deny it now but at the time we all knew it was fishy, which is what attracted the penguins to the city in the first place. Well I may mock, but there is every sign that this will catch on. Already there are penguins being spotted splashing about in the Mersey.

Even our own Lord Phil Rednose has been promoting the event and dressing up as a penguin for all the usual publicity shots. You would think that after the near disaster caused by the Custard Company in the run up to 2008 that he would know better than to let my old friend McCogloose order the penguin costume for him. Here is Professor Rednose in his outfit launching the event’s the wrong colour surely? It just doesn’t look right. Doesn’t say penguin to me.

Bugs and Beatles

Our new Lord Mirth, Muck Storeyteller, is keeping busy, it was marvellous to see him at the opening of the wonderful new Creepy Crawlies and Bugs exhibition. Here are a few of them showing off the inferior cheap cladding they sneaked into the design that will grace our marvellous Xrate Museum of Liverpool Lice and double as a giant skateboard park.

It was great to see the Mayor nervously getting into the spirit of things at the Bug Exhibition. I have to say though that for some of the children who started crying and trembling, it was a frightening ordeal seeing a rather unpleasant looking and wriggling little creature up close, but when the staff explained it was only the mayor, they calmed down and shoved a scorpion down his trousers.

"Whaahahaaa...get that bug out !" Says Mr Mayor

The was another major scare, when police received reports that one of the giant hissing cockroaches had escaped and had been seen heading towards Merseytravel HQ but it turned out to be a false alarm and it was just a local fireman in one of his many disguises on his way to collect his council allowances.

Now the marvellous thing about this exhibition – they really should try this at Chester Zoo – is that you can get to eat the exhibits. Yes Missus. Instead of a Goosenargh Chicken, you can have a Baked Tarantula. Everyone gets a leg…By Jove!

Here's some infrmation about the exhibition if you want to go and play with some spiders or eat a few delicacies like Ant and Dec

I’m surprised that Ms Angie Samples, at Liverpool Confit of dential hasn’t done a review of it for their restaurant guide. They can’t be squeamish, I mean all the places she and that Lucky Grills has been to, they must have already swallowed half a ton of cockroach legs and the odd beetle by now. Lemon Grass indeed! I mean one lunch trip to ( ) would give you enough antennae to pick up channel five.
C’mon let’s have a review. With photos of the happy diners. I’d do it myself but I’m still recovering from the Seagull Bap I had at Munro's a while back.

Here's some recipe suggestions from what used to be our museum


Before I go, I should just mention that I was not successful in my application for the £75k job of Director of Destination Grotty Cash. To make sure that people see Liverpool as a cultural destination and have a rewarding cultural experience. A new post created by a cash strapped council looking to make savings and cut services by duplicating the work already done by the Mersey partnership and the head of tourism.

So whose mate is going to get this nice little number then? I could easily have done that. I’ve even got my own A to Z and I am on first name terms with Mrs Ida Downey from The Adolfo hotel.

Well I mentioned a certain person that has recently taken up a position on the board of No Mercy Travel and, although I have no proof, I strongly suspect a stitch-up between the fire brigade and the bus drivers on this one. I was sent this photograph of the two shortlisted candidates. You make up your own mind.
Ding-ding hold tight now, next stop Grotty Cash. Please give the driver the correct change - £75,000 plus prp - Aythenkyew move along the bus now!

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye

Be Nice to each other…

p-p-p-push over a penguin