Sunday, 22 November 2009

A Day At The Races, for Hilton Stilton and major boost to the Lord Mayors Charity

Grotty Cash Executive Prepare Strategy for Next Weeks Crucial Finance Meeting

By Jove Missus, it's political corruptives
 gone mad!

Can't you have a bit of fun on the rates these days without people having a go at you? I am referring to a recent disgraceful attack on my very good friend and Town Clerk for Grotty Cash, Mr Hilton Stilton and his expenses management team.

Yes it's that Stinky Ink Bartlets, from the Oldham Gazette, up to his old tricks again.

Poor Mr Stilton is a very polite man and if people are kind enough to send him 9,000 free invitations to Race Meetings, sporting events, concerts, dinners and Bingo Gala nights, well he is far too polite to refuse. But you can't have a go at the man for that  - he can't go to them all for heavens sake - so what if he said no to six of them? 

He can't be everywhere at once! How can you possibly get from the 2.15 at Chepstow to the the 2.30 at Newmarket, it's ridiculous. And then if you have to rush home and rinse through a pair of clean knickers ready to throw at Tom Jones during the concert at 8.00pm the same night, the poor man would be worn out.

But let me tell you this missus, at every free dinner he attends, there is a little doggy bag under the table for his loyal staff. He fills it up after every meal. All the gravy goes to his management team and over a thousand of his other staff may get the chop.

But he has been trying to save his money, just in case Cameron gets in, so of course he's going to grab as many free outings as he can - it makes sense!  But oh no, the local Rag and Bones man, who looks after the accounts, Harry H. Corbett, has kicked up a fuss telling them all to make a quick bung to the Lord Mayors Charity, otherwise it doesn't look good. "City in financial ruin, millions of pounds shortfall and you're at the race track every couple of days" he said. ..Hmmm put it like that and I suppose it would start the gossips.

I gave a few quid to the Lord Mayors Charity myself but somebody said that part of the money was being used to buy Mayor Jackastorey a new bucket of gravel and a packet of lard for his hair.  Probably that Richard Kempton-Park told me.

But anyway Missus, don't believe these gossip mongers, I can assure you that Mr Stilton is a gentleman and a dollar..I mean scholar. As soon as he heard that it all looked dodgy, he and his friends in the private box at the Philharmonic, without any provocation, hint or suggestion, imediately made donations to the Lord Mayors Charity as soon as Corbett told them to. Although actually I suppose we did, since we pay their salary. 

Never mind, as far as I'm concerned, Mr Stilton works damned hard for this city and is rewarded with a pittance of only £230,000 per year plus 20% performance related pay (even that depends upon how many performances he's been to that week) So if anyone thinks he just spends his days at the races before heading off to watch Morrisey from Wet Wet Wet at the Arena, and then going for a free nosh-up, I have put together this brief documentary that shows it's not all freebies and perks.

This covers just one busy week in the life of the man who had to squeeze into the tiny shoes of the Evil Sir Diddy.

So in the documentary posted below, we follow Mr Stilton, during just an average week in Grotty Cash.  Amongst other things you will see him preparing for Cabinet meetings, opening events, giving speeches and presentations, trying to get a meeting with the Fireman and council leader Wally Bradlow, working on the budget, looking into the new docks development, rallying support for and testing out one of the proposed Tram systems before finally having a moment to quickly wash and brush-up in Misadventure Place, courtesy of the local doctor.  A man simply trying to get on with the job.


More news to Come.
I'll be back soon with a full report into the 4,000 dodgy Etch a Sketch devices that Liverpool Direct tried to pass off as Laptops to Grotty Cash Council at an annual cost of  £78,000,000.

A furious Councillor Richard Clamp has finally spoken out against this madness and laid the blame for his disasterous handling of the Boot Estate, squarely on the poor IT equipment he was forced to use when masterminding the development strategy.

LDL Laptop £3,000 cost plus £2,000 compulsory
annual maintenance charge

Replacement mouse from LDL IT range £175.00
plus £25.00 for the key
For more items or to order goods, see full catalogue of disaster

I'll also be reviewing Judy Finnigan's new show, Pet's Cost Millions, and letting you know how my old dog Mac, a balding Rottweiller, is getting along with the terrible incontinence and trembling problem he has suffered since  Judy accosted him during a lively broadcast of the new daytime show on Dale Street the other week.

      New call to ban dogs from fouling the city

But enough of this doom and gloom, let's have some good news for a change!

So here is some good news to end on, forget thousands of job losses being planned, forget Liverpool Direct ripping us off for £78 Million and still nobody with enough guts in the Lib Dems to admit it has all been a con. Forget too about the budget shortfall of at least £124 Million over the next couple of years and forget the 08 Place losing £1million a year. The good news is that we have committed £7 million pounds  of your money to pay consultants to come in over the next twelve months to give us some much needed guidance on how to start running this city properly.  

It is going very well so far, and the consultants are doing such a good job that I can confirm that by December 2010, there is every possibility that Grotty Cash Council will have a clear strategy in place that will  enable them to identify their Arses from their Elbows. This will be a major step forward for the city leadership. 

The first draft of their report has already been published and presented to the leader of the council Wally Bradlow, but unfortunately he is so far unable to understand the complicated diagrams.

Not to worry, we will get some more consultants in to explain it to us in laymans terms.

With this kind of determination, I'm sure they'll soon get the administration of the city back on the right track.

Chester Racecourse has a good track apparently! 

Fancy a flutter missus? 

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye