Thursday, 10 February 2011

Professor Rednose gets in a spin as city withdraws from High Society. Cuts fall-out threatens his future peerage so the air and the Rednose turns blue !

Professor Phyllis Redfern
By Jove Missus, one for the lads this time, remember when we all used to be glued to the telly, seeing what he was wearing tonight and how high the split went, well re-live those days, he is back again. The gorgeous “give us a twirl” Professor Phyllis Redfern. (Nee Stein) is back in the headlines to promote his great new project: Phyllis Redfern.

Have you heard?

Many will remember him from the Remuneration Game, with the famous conveyor belt of cash flowing into the gutter or into the bank accounts of hopeless carpetbaggers. This was during his stint as Custard Supremo and Captain of Claptrap 2008, where he came to sudden prominence after doing nothing for five years and then seized the opportunity to cash in on other peoples work at the last minute.

Largely thanks to promotion and spin by the Echo, he became the face of 2008 and amazingly, people still came. He is still as lovely as ever. The beautiful flowing hair still magnificent, if now somewhat grey. The smile is equally the same, like a loose donner kebab.
That winning smile
In spite of his claim to be a Labour sympathiser, the bastards didn’t give him the knighthood he was expecting and so Phyllis, always one to seek out new opportunities, has recently been linked to a controversial ménage et twats with Prime minister David Camouflage and his coagulation deputy, Nasty Nick Clot, from the sudden reality show, “Big Liar”
Lord Fat Arse of Picklepocket

It's in the Czars
A couple of months ago he invited David to Grotty Cash to launch their exciting new project “The High Society” an exciting con-cept whereby some very rich people steal as much as they can from local councils, ordinary working people and the poor, then throw thousands on the dole and get them to sweep the streets, clean public toilets and run the services, for which we pay council tax, for nothing. You don't actually lose your job, you can come back and do it for free!

Now when the big con plan for The High Society was launched, despite a few sceptics (450,000 locally) Phyllis was riding high on his ego. Once again somebody thick enough to think that he speaks on behalf of the city was ready to elevate him to the position of High Society Czar. “ Yes I had some critics,” said Phyllis “even from one of my former stars of Brooooockhie, Jimmy Corkhill, as played by Dean Sillyman. I said you’re just jealous because you wanted to be a Czar Dean”

Three hours of laughter and repetition of this example of scouse wit followed as it was repeated to every media outlet that didn’t hang up on hearing his name.

But even Jimmy thought the cuts were too savage. He had been around during the cruel crazy cuts during the 1980s. Why should his beloved Brookie go through this again...why Billy, why?

Great promises followed from Phyllis. “The new museum could be run by crack heads rather than crackpots, like David Flamingo, and staffed by the elderly residents of the first care home to fall victim to the cuts. There is no need for any paid staff, the Homeless can run the libraries, half the bastards sit in there to get warm all day, so why not put them in charge? Gets them off the streets. And do we really need so many leisure centres in this day and age? Most people I know have their own indoor heated pool, sauna and gym”

French Champaigne, good for the brain

Sounded great to Dave and Nick The Liar, and some people on the council were ready to buy into it too. But then it all seemed to go horribly wrong as suddenly Grotty Cash was presented with the worst cuts since Herbert spilled Botox in the coffee maker.

Suddenly it seemed impossible, unworkable. The scale of cuts meant that at least 1,500 council jobs must go and vital front-line services would be decimated.
Local Grants Slashed
There was no choice. How could the High Society be taken seriously when it was about to put 1,500 potentially in need of many of the services they worked in? It was not just those individuals, but also the cascade effect on the vulnerable that rely on the services, the communities and the whole infrastructure of the city. This was going to be worse than the 1980’s

Tough choices for Liverpool Council Leader
So why not set an illegal budget some said, like we did in the 80s  and have the city run directly by government commissioners? Give them the stereotype they are looking for. 

Well they didn’t need to, because the moment the leader of the Grotty Cash council said the High Society is a con in the face of such brutal cuts that would destroy much of the voluntary work already going on  and therefore the city is withdrawing from the project, that was the first line of attack from Jabba The Pickle, who is minister for local government and the communities.

"Mr Hatton has cut services for political motives." he said.
"He’ll be hiring Taxis next!"
The Days of Degsy This time next year we'll still  be millions less

The fat must be trimmed, says Pickles, start with your neck mate!
Phyllis joined in the chorus for a bit, saying to Dave, "you let me down lads, it stalled and the cuts are undermining it." Unfortunately for Professor Redfern, it was the leader of the council that got invited onto the news programmes and featured in the national press about his decision to withdraw from the programme. "We never bleedin’ joined it in the first place!" said the clearly angry council leader. "It was that self promoting soft shite who invited them here!"  

Collide with Czars
The scale of the cuts imposed upon the city even prompted Phyllis Redfern to make a further desperate statement: “It has become derailed, he said, the cuts are undermining the High Society and risking my role as Czar! This is not the way it was outlined to me, there’s been no action and I haven’t been on telly for a month, what are you Tory bastards playing at?”

Phyllis, could see his position as Czar and his future Peerage, or a shot at Mayor slipping from his fingers and the council wasn't helping. 

“Who does he think he is?" Blasted the Professor of 2nd rate soap. "What gives him the right to speak for the city? Just ‘cos he won an election, how does that make him more important than me?”

Sad Face
There was only one thing for it, tt was time to make a stand under his new slogan “We The People” (Of Frodsham presumably)

So with one of those amazing twirls, he perfected, Phyllis sets about rubbishing the Labour council to the Tory Press and the delight of Pickles and David Camouflage, by joining in the attacks on the city leaders and the Tories trying to hark back to the days of Militant.

He said “We are better off without the council, now I can lead my people to the promised land, stopping off at Poundland to get their shopping, well they won’t be able to afford to go to Liverpool One!..."

"..It’s just like in 2008 when the council made a mess of it and the commissioner raised the Twat Signal and I had to come and rescue the whole Capital Of Custard programme.”
Leaders during the Custard year. It was Yellow and Thick
“If it wasn’t for me getting Ringo on the roof at three times the original cost, and being too late to cancel the giant spider, as I wanted, it could have been a disaster. Well now we the people will take control and the council can do one!"

"Wait 'til I’m Mayor, as Jeffrey Archer once said. "

Well did you ever?
In a statement to the Exchange and Mart, Professor Rednose said today:  “All these councils can think about is having no money to deliver vital services and having to close down everything that is part of the very backbone of a civilised community, either that or they are whinging about making thousands of staff redundant, and wrecking their lives. They are too focussed on that to see the bigger picture of what the High Society can still offer me, and they are only looking at the negatives."
Redundant Coppers queue for free handout
at Big Society Soup Kitchen
"Each one of those sacked council workers will now have the time to polish my desk or get the coffee and a nice cake for my missus when we are chairing the National Museums meeting. (We are still trying to figure out how we wasted £75 million on that X crap at the Pier head. It was supposed to be part financed by building the black coffins!)  

"So instead of these people working for the council, listening to a load of moaning gets going on about the bin collection, they can empty my bin as a volunteer. They know I am one of them because: We the people, is what made the city."

"I gave them Brookie and Holly Oakes, that’s all they ever wanted and that’s why they will listen to any old shite I come out with. There’ always some knob-head who’ll listen to me, to get their gobs in the paper isn’t that right Flemmo?”

Brookside closed due to cuts

So there we have it ladies and gentlemen, no Tory MPs in the city but then they don’t need them now. They have Professor Turncoat to deliver the cruellest lie ever to be devised by a cynical, calculating wretched group of multi-millionaire arse lickers to the banks and financiers.

As they continue to claim allowances for their second and third homes, jet around the world, watch the money fall into their accounts from their other multi million pound business interests or the massive inheritance they are due, they will watch you lose your job, your home and your local services to guarantee continued huge profits and obscene bonuses for the very people who caused the deficit.

And you can volunteer to sweep the streets for them when they visit. Professor Redmond is in charge of the brushes. He should use one on his bleeding hair. Keep at it Rednose maybe the Tories will give you your Peerage.

Thank goodness we have people like the Professor, so important,  that without anybody asking and no mandate from anyone, he feels duty bound and is prepared to step in, and lead us.

We the people, salute you.

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

Be nice to each other
P.S. Of course there is one thing the council could do to lessen the impact of the cuts, sort out the rip-off that is costing us £78 million a year and that has been shown to have been overcharging by £10 million a year. How many years at £10 Million? Why do we need Liverpool Direct if it’s only to tell people the service no longer exists. Well I couldn’t leave it without mentioning that could I, nobody else on the council seems to want to mention it.