Thursday, 14 October 2010

As the city honour Macca with a new sculpture, the Professor examines our obsession with The Fab Fortune - The BTs and asks; Have we been sold a Lemon for a MacCartload of Cash? Liverpool Direct Questions

The I.T. Dog
By Jove Missus, what a beautiful day!

What a beautiful day for running naked into the council chamber, grabbing the Liverpool Direct contract and saying “what’s the chance of a cover-up?" 

What a beautiful day for emptying a pint of milk over the councils interim Chief Executive and saying;
“How’s this for a whitewash?”

What a beautiful day, ha ha, yes, what a beautiful day for wearing a pair of glass underpants and saying..... 
“How’s this for transparent bollocks?”

Yes missus, you’ve guessed it, I’m back to talk about my favourite subject –

No not The Beatles!

I am here to talk about the other Fab Fortune The BTs. It has been a very  poignant week for BTs fans in Grotty Cash.  A week that saw the unveiling of a beautiful new piece of art for the city and a celebration of Peas. (The Professor adopts a slow gravel voice)
“I want some peas missus, get me some peas. I love peas.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this week we honoured one of Grotty Cash’s favourite sons. The Working Cash Hero himself, Macca.

Dr MacAlotamoney
There was a moving ceremonial unveiling of a monument to honour his achievements and of the rich legacy he has left for his retirement – which can’t come soon enough.

The city was honoured by the attendance of Maureen Lipmann herself, dressed as BT with her son Ology. She spoke warmly of the love Macca always had for the amount of cash he could squeeze out of the city and of the fun side to his personality, how in the early days in the back bedroom of Auntie Diddy’s home on Menlove Revenue the walls shook with laughter as they started to create their first big hits:

Please, please Fleece me
LDLeanor Rigs it
Hey Screwed
Doctor Rob It
Eight pay-days a week
The continuing story of Bung a high bill...and
We can’t work it out.

She said she remembered Macca writing the line,

“Yesterday, all the money seemed to come my way, now it looks like more is on the way, if Joe don’t see some sense today”
And with that, she pulled the string stolen from a tramps dog to reveal the beautiful erection on Chavastminster Park, as the crowd roared with laughter. (which unfortunately caused several bits to drop off)
Monument to Macca and The BTs unveilled
In this same week, it was important to also remember the role played by another man who gave the BTs the opportunity that put them on the road to shame and fortune, the man who under the hypnotic powers of evil impresario Sir Diddy Henchman, made them what they are today, yes missus, the man who couldn’t manage the BTs, Brainless Mike Epstrorey.

Mike Epstrorey The Man who made Macca rich and helped launch the BTs
So it was fitting that in the same week Liverpool Directly honoured Macca, that we also held a ceremony to recognise Epstorey’s role in creating the BTs, with the re-naming of a well known derelict theatre building. When deciding how he should be honoured, the current leader of Grotty Cash Joan Sanderson (Doris bloody Yule, to his mates) said the choice of building was obvious.

And so the former Inept-loon Theatre on Hangover Street was re-named  "The Storeyteller."

New Council Leader Joan Sanderson shows how the Lib Dems almost killed the Liverbird

Local Isle of Man based hack, Roley Joe Riley has already got his flask and duvet ready to sleep through the first performance, when it re-opens next year with a production of Jimmy McCracker’s “Old Chas Cole” This was one of Macca's favourite's he told me.

A free parking concession will be available to all patrons and fellow joggers who attend. The refurbishment of the theatre, when complete, will also see the installation of a disabled shower room for VIPs reflecting Macca’s commitment to a quality opportunity.

Press coverage
Now you would think missus, that with the mood of celebration and festivity in the city, particularly as the unveiling of the Macca sculpture also coincides with what would so far this year have been his 70th Million, that the local press would be joining in the festerings. But no, that would be too much to hope for.

I don’t know what it is with these miserable bloggers but that young chap from Oldham, Dave Barkalot, who works on the Daily Post, has been publishing all sorts of nonsense about the BTs in the press and on his blog. This has encouraged a whole load of cranks to write in saying that far from being our proudest sons, that the BTs have been given a ticket to take the city for a ride. Liverpool Direct £78 Million, One way Only, no returns available. 

Echo Comment: Kraptonight

As usual, the cranks are hiding behind silly aliases, too scared to come out into the open just because Macca would have them in concrete boots in an Octopuses Garden. How are Dolan and Cosgrove doing on the Ex-Factor? Anybody know?

Barkalot, in his blog, which, following the council cut-backs, is due to be re-named “Dole Street Queues” published a secret report that more or less says the city has been getting ripped–off by £10 million a year overcharge on top of the £78 million we pay the BTs for answering the phone and reading a script from bit of paper. It would have only been £48 Million but the council  had to amend the contract to say that they were required to read it out loud.

Well it’s claimed that this damning judgement, like all the other damning judgements, had been kept from the public, whilst at the same time in a complete volte face, the new administration were negotiating a brand new album possibly called: Revolver Held to the Head or The Whitewash Album or more appropriately HELP! Or The Robber R Souls Album.

Well yes, we all know it’s a complete rip-off, the whole BTs industry, The BT’s Experience , The Hard Days Blight Hotel and The Tragical MikeStory Tour. But look at the benefit it has brought to the way we do things in Grotty Cash…er……..well whatever they are, we won’t be able to do them for much longer as we’re skint. And some people are saying that the BTs is part of the reason for it.

LDL Finance Department

So I hope you will all write in to Dole Street Queues, or your local councillor to try and make sure that Uncle Joan, does the right thing and continues to let the BTs bleed us dry. Otherwise what will we do on BT’s day if they take all our phones off us and switch off our computers?  Thank goodness the BTs have banned Barkalots blog from the council. 
Cross Party Meeting to discuss the BTs amidst  fear that Wally Bradlow may be excluded

So at the moment Joe and all the gang are having an all night party review of the BTs contract.

Cllr Bonnie Radford raises a burning issue
But at least this means that my old mate from the Libertines, Councillor Bonnie Radford will be there to put some pressure on them. Nobody can keep his gob shut, which in this case, is probably a good thing.

As for the current lot in charge, I know that over the years they have not been big fans of the BTs and many of them said that their contract with the city and the money it was costing was an absolute disgrace.

Well it’s one thing saying you didn’t like the BTs when in opposition, but don’t try and convince us now you have the opportunity to do something about  it that Simon and Garfunkle were better, by constantly playing The Sound Of Silence. I’ll have the Environmental Health after you – it’s deafening!

Dave Clarklett City Head Hitter
 Anyway, Missus, here below is the link to all those moaning comments and miserable bloggers writing in and whining about the truth to Dave Barkalot on his blog page, "Dole Street Queues."

I always said that the Daily Post and Echo was a quality newspaper. Well done, finally somebody there is prepared to try and Oldham to account.

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye !

Be nice to each other.
Duck Billed Platitudes